Top 5 Total Douche Bags You'll See At Every Mall

Walk through any mall anywhere in the country and I guarantee that you will see and possible interact with:


5) The Fat Emo Kids

I like fashion. I like style and I appreciate the desire not to look like everyone else, but skin tight purple jeans that hang under your flat ass, Converse high tops that are rolling under your fat ankles and a yellow and black hoodie that is so tight that I can see the zits on your back-fat is not style. It's definitely not cool. Not even with the faux vintage Misfits tshirt that you keep pulling down over your gut. Sorry fat Emo kid, Fail.

4) Freaky Russian Dude That Wants to Rub Shit on Your Hand

What the fuck is this guy selling? You'll notice they work in pairs around their kiosks. A tall dude for the old ladies and a young oddly hot in that weird Eastern Block way.

3) Anyone working at the Crocs Kiosk

Crocs are not cool. Give it up. Every time I see the Crocs dude/chick they have that "man am I lucky to sell foam rubber shoes with h

oles in them. I even get to wear them while I work. Now everyone knows I'm cool," look. Stop it. You look like a douche.

2) The Skinny Latino with his Muffin-Top Girlfriend

You know who I mean. You'll see him walking down the mall with his arm straining to reach around her. He'll be wearing shit that rappers wouldn't even walk out of the crib in

and he'll be staring down ever guy that walks by. Chacho nobody wants her. If they did there's enough to share. By the way better get a board tied to your skinny ass before you get lost like any chance of you have of working outside the food court.

1) The Fucking Creep Selling Sleep Number Beds

Please do not ask me what my number is then pat the bed. Please try to be more subtle as you watch 14 year old girls walk by. And please, please take a fucking shower.

With all due respect,

the Chief