A Catering Story - By Dirty Darril

Okay folks, this week I am going to back off of my soapbox so to speak and go back to telling a story from my past. So this week, I think that I will to share my short career in the catering business.

First let me say that I have always wanted to be a chef. I just got caught up in a different field and never pursued it. So when I met my now good friend that owned a catering business it was no problem to help out when he needed extra people.

Not to mention he paid cash.

My first few jobs with them were easy stuff. The roast beef carver at the carving station during the christmas parties, the hamburger patty maker at the small company picnics, etc. I was the shrimp cocktail maker at the private rooftop party for General Motors during the riverfront 4th of July fireworks display in Detroit. I know, I know, awesome huh? Eat your hearts out.

Now as much fun as I was having as shrimp boy, I was getting tired of these highly skilled tasks and needed more. Something with more action. The only problem was that I wasn't a full-time employee and they had the good jobs. So I stayed with what I could get, had alot of fun with it but the night that I knew if I didn't get better jobs then I was done was this one...

It was the black tie award night for junior hockey. I know, it doesnt sound like much but this is Detroit and those people are nuts over hockey. So anyway, this is a two hundred or so sit down dinner and we are set up in the back of this arena with an assembly line of people each of which had one item of food to place on each plate. I was green been boy. I had to take five green beans and stand them on end propped up by the chicken or pork or whatever the fuck they had. This night was all about the green beans for me. I can honestly say that this task sucked ass. On top of trying to make beans stand on end, there was this jack-off of a guy who thought he was a drill sergeant yelling "move it people", "get these plates out", etc. A real ass, but I guess he was needed looking back on it.

After the event I spoke to my friend and told him that this wasn't my gig. Yes people, Dirty Darril was broke down by green beans...don't judge, you weren't there and have know idea of the misery I went through. I told him that if it was real important and he couldn't find anybody else call me but I wanted better jobs.

A few month's later my friend calls me and asked me if I was interested in working a beer stand at an upcoming event. Being that I had plenty of time to get over the green bean event, I agreed. This event was to be held on the grounds of Northwestern University. I can't recall who the party was for but it was a big deal. Huey Lewis and the News were playing and the outside events were really all out.

When I arrived, my friend told me that the beer and wine stand was further away from the food tents. The party started at the food tents with some speakers and such then afterwards moved down by me and the after dinner entertainment. I guess I was about 100 yards from the food area. Now for this event people who ran the stands had headsets that were all on the same channel and even some of the other companies that supplied services to make this party were on the same channel.

After stocking the beer, wine, and ice me and the kid helping me had about an hour to kill. So we people watched and shot the shit. As we were talking, one of the hottest women I have ever seen came walking by and I proceed to tell this kid how she is so hot and he is talking about her tits and ass. Guy stuff, you know. I start saying how I would love to tongue-jack her shit box and we go on and on. All of a sudden I see my friend that I am working for running his ass off. We thought somebody must be hurt or something until he slightly rounded a table and made a b-line for my stand. It was then that I got up from the stool I was sitting on and no longer was leaning back on the beer cases that I heard DARRIL..DARRIL...Your headset is on!!!! He made it to the stand and took my headset. I had been leaning on the talk button the entire time.

He sent me home.

We are still friends.

He doesn't ask me to help out anymore though.

Hey kids, Free Houses!!!

Hey people, I'm back once again to give you a view into what goes on in my mind.

I have been watching the Jaycee Lee Dugard coverage and after a few days it has seemed to disappear. Why? Maybe it is still going on in California, but it has faded from our news here in the midwest. I am sure that as soon as they start giving her family homes and cars and money that it will be right back on top of the news. This reminds me of another story that I feel got too much coverage but still finds it's way into the news every couple months or so....Shawn Hornbeck.

Now let me start off by saying I feel terrible for these people, especially the children.... But, why do they get free thing handed to them?
Why did Shawn Hornbeck's family get a new home? Did they downsize while he was gone and now he didn't have a room? There are lots of families that don't have room for their kids and don't get a house. Maybe, just maybe, giving to someone in need doesn't get your company name on the news. Maybe companies don't feel as compassionate giving to poor kids as they do kids that have gone through hell and by giving publicly will keep the hell they went through on the news even longer. Some extra torment for my free advertising if you will.

Now, as for Shawn Hornbeck I have to say this is the most over-rated bullshit I have ever heard. You self-centered pussies and bleeding hearts that cry over what everyone else is talking about at the time but wouldn't care as much if it wasn't in your own back yard. FUCK OFF!

Am I the only one who thinks this whole story is fucked up? I agree that it was sad that Michael Devlin was a bad man that deserves to be behind bars. Shawn's story just has to many holes in it for me to believe that he didn't, after a while, want to stay with Devlin. Could this have been a kid that was upset with his broken family and didn't want to go home? Could Devlin have possibly driven by and talked to Shawn (with the intention of abduction) and Shawn thought of this as a way of leaving his broken and unhappy home? I know you are thinking I am wrong but did you hear Shawn's story?

Shawn said that his biggest fear was not seeing his family again. Well he had plenty of times that he could have left and not returned.
Shawn has also said that death did not scare him, so what was the reason he stayed? The kid had freedom, could ride his bike around and spend the night at his friends' houses. If you're not scared of death then why not run to avoid your "biggest fear"?

My other reasoning is that Shawn doesn't seem to be a dumb kid. He stated that when Devlin went to abduct Ben that he figured that his days were numbered. "The days got slimmer. 'Cause it's a replacement. When you get a new car, what do you usually do with the old one? You usually get rid of it, right?" Does that quote sound like a kid that wasn't smart enough to tell or run away?

The main thing Shawn won't talk about is why he never identified himself. He says that it was to protect his family. From what, Shawn? The fact that you didn't want to come home? We want to know Shawn. You and your family did get a free house out of the deal. Poor Jaycee Lee Dugard just got two kids from her abductor out of her deal. Of course that case isn't over with yet so I am sure I and everyone else will pay for free schooling and housing and people will give give give to people that should be paid out of what they call a crime victims fund. This whole system is a joke as is most people and media sources.

This is all I have to say about this and if you hate me, so be it.....you're probably one of the pussies that cried over Princess Diana...that gold-digging cunt.

-Dirty Darril

Men, and the Dicks in their Hand

Hey folks, Dirty Darril has another thing to talk about.
Normally I would tell you to sit down and shut the fuck up but this week I am taking a different approach. I have been bashing women alot in my past posts, so this week I am going to bash men. Yeah I said it, MEN.

We men are, for the most part, good guys, but just like the select women I write about we have our asshole men.

First I would like to point out the guys that think it's cool to bash their wife or girlfriend in front of the other guys. You are a real piece of work, and the guys you are trying to impress think that you are a nothing for what you say. If what you say is true, you should not be with this woman, if it isn't true you are a definate asshole. (and not one worthy of this site)

Second, you stupid selfish motherfuckers that don't take responsibility for the kids that you have created and just disregard that they are yours.
Thank you fuckface, now I have to help pay for your child. Your son will probably steal my car or rob my house or your daughter will be the next stripper I put my dollar between the tits that her 65 year old sugar daddy bought her when she turned 22. As much as I like your daughter, you are not around to be a father figure so I know that when her looks fail to make her Miss Center Stage she will have a few kids who's sperm doner won't be around either and here we go with the WIC and welfare that comes out of my check. Thanks dick!

Now let's talk about you strong manly men that like to hit women. Do you feel good about what you do? Why don't you e-mail me and make some time to hit somebody that can hit you back and fuck you up! You are the lowest piece of shit there is. Learn to walk away, put down the stag beer and take care of shit. Mr. I'm-sorry-every-Sunday-morning don't cut it jerk. Grow up and be a man!

Now I said all that to say this: I mean what I said above and men can be dicks...
But...
You women are easy to bash because all you do is bitch, and the bitching leads to us just running out on you and the kids so that we don't murder you all. Because while we are at work you are training little Cindy to be a bitch like you are, and if we don't run we end up beating you not because we want to but, god damn, your Dad failed to put sense into you so now we must beat it into you.

Bottom line: Keep your mouth shut and take care of your husband and maybe, just maybe, you won't have that thump on the back of your head that is covered by your hair so that you can't prove shit, or if it's real bad you won't take that fall down the steps after you come out of the bathroom smiling, saying it's positive.

I by no means am trying to be cruel, but if early in life daddy left or sister Mary made you bump fuzzies with her you need to get over it. You probably came then anyway so just chalk it up as another time. Bitching at your man for reasons that mean nothing come to no avail.
Most of what you say means nothing anyway.
Grow up girls, and take it like a man!

Whores, and the Bounty on their Head

Hey, it's Dirty Darril again. I know, I haven't posted a story in a few weeks, and I don't feel that I need to apologize to you assholes for the delay. You need to realize that I don't just write babble for the sake of meeting a deadline. I mean, I could write about baseball and calls to my cell, but that would just be babble if I went to the games and used my cell, now wouldn't it? I have a topic this week...care to listen?

Let's talk about women. Oh, I know many of you are passing judgment already. You people need to just sit back and shut the fuck up and listen.

Women have it easy in this world. I realize that a select few have it hard, but who told you to give up everything and have a baby at 16 or 17? That was the point at which you decided that you would achieve nothing. You thought, or probably didn't think, that that night with the purple passion and the guy saying he loved you, would come to something.

Wow! Now you're a mom. Pathetic. Where is this guy now? You don't know and have stopped trying to find him. Finding him would just invalidate your stupid status as a mom, not that you are one, you just pretend in front of company. But behind closed doors, we know how selfish and hateful you are. Now your point in life is just to squeeze more and more money from the people that work while you sit back and achieve shit because you are a person held down and looked upon....

Fuck you!

Your lack of judgement and education does not mean I owe you shit. Our fucked up system says I do and they take the money from me without asking. It's robbery if you ask me. I don't ask you to give me the money for my lap dance that got carried away and I blew my load in some strippers hand or hair do I? Well, then is it fair for me to buy your snot-nosed bastard frosted flakes and kool-aid? Fuck you and your kids.

Now, while we are on the subject of free money let's talk about vagina-mony. Why do women feel like they deserve a monthly payment for staying in a marriage that they wanted in the first place? You said yes, right? For better or worse, right? When it became worse he now owes you money? For what? To maintain your lifestyle that you had while you were married to him? Whatever. Go back to what you had before you were married and just deal with it. How good is your pussy anyway? Oh yeah? That good...then in no time you will con another guy into your twisted web of bullshit and lies and won't need Mr. Pay-My-Bills-After-I-Leave-You.

Let's face it, just because you are the ones that actually bear the children you think you're worth more than you are. Don't forget that you need male sperm to do that. Then you need a person to take care and support your ass while you milk out your childbirth and how your back hurts and let's not forget the excuse of why you shove food in your face like you do...
"Oh, I'm eating for two now...."
Whatever. The breathing tumor growing in your belly doesn't even have a fully developed head yet, I really don't think that you got some fetus signal saying it was craving a Big Mac.

I could go on and on, but I'm as bored with this story as I am with the useless babble I have to endure trying to select one of you that I can actually listen to. Maybe my Grandfather was right, If women didn't have a pussy there would be a bounty on them.

Dirty Darril

Plop Plop Fizz Fizz - A Review of Alka Seltzer

I worked at 7-11, the midnight shift. Sometimes there would be hours that i did not see a single soul. So I did what any 19 year old male would do. I looked at the porn mags. So I'm reading Penthouse Forum one night about how to please your woman in extraordinary ways.
Wow! I think the man who wrote this article is a genius when I run across the Alka-Seltzer move.

If you really want to turn your woman on take a tablet of Alka-Seltzer, the yellow box that contains no aspirin so as not to irritate the vaginal walls. (not that the vaginal walls don't cause the world enough irritation, but that's next week) Insert into the vagina while you're into your foreplay time.



So I am with my girlfriend and we are becoming heated. We are 19 remember, so I am going to show her I am the man. After some heavy petting and lots of sweat and saliva I insert this tablet into her. Waiting for the expected oooo's and ahhh's and you are the man god above god's the fizz from the tablet takes over and like a gigantic erupting creampie that has been catapulted from within her.

*pfffpffpffpffpffpfffpfffffpffffff*

I explode into gut wrenching laughter as her pussy lips start to flutter back and forth while emitting the loudest burst of pussy air ever built up. (later in life I found a new meaning of "air", but that might be a later story) Her lips keep fluttering like a butterfly's wings after sitting on a big rock of meth, except this butterfly is becoming a fountain of fluid and bubbles.

To the horror of my rib cage, the laughing grew harder as i saw the foamy bubbles spewing from her twat like the time Peter put to much soap in the washing machine on the Brady Bunch. This got increasingly worse with sounds so funny Howard Stern would kill to have them for sound bytes. It slowly fizzes out to become this melting bubbly oozing stream of bubbles running down her thigh and into the crack of her ass.

She is not finding this even close to funny. Matter of fact, the more I laughed, the more she cried. Which in return, the more she cried, the more I laughed.

This actually led to me not getting any pussy that night, or that weekend.

So I'm sitting back at work reading Penthouse Forum again and the follow up to what i had previously read says "be sure to only use 1/4 of a tablet, due to over gas expulsion".

I had to buy flowers and say those words......

I'm sorry baby, but it was funny right?

Doghouse again.

--- Dirty Darril

Kickin' a Dead Pope

Hey folks, sit back and shut the fuck up, Dirty Darril is unleashed, untethered, and unfuckingbelievable!!! You got a problem with that, well you can suck it. (course you're gonna have to get in line) I'm outta control and you may call it outta line, why because you don't have the guts to say what you feel, and I do!

Take for instance your constant turn of the shoulder when you see or hear about crimes committed and you just gasp aloud in your chair as you change to a more pleasant channel of shit that you can digest.

Let's go back to the story that seemed to disappear faster than the whiskey from my bottle. That's fast to you stupid fucks!

You ask, what are you talking about lord Darril, well be patient bitches, and I'll tell you. Who remembers Pope John Paul? I know, I have tried to forget the crooked and hateful man myself, but for some reason his name always comes up. I am going to try and bury it now.
The Catholic church as of late has become the biggest joke and lying group of assholes that I can think of. They have proven this on their own, not even the Scientology dicks can out-do this group of criminals as much as they try.

Who else in this world has had so much power and blown it (really) than this group of extortionists?

Here you have a guy in a position to lead people, and he does, don't get me wrong. He leads this child molester to this state and that molester to that state.... What a bunch of shit! Isn't that called harboring a fugitive? A felony, right? Not if you eat a cracker and drink some Boons Farm, apparently you can jerk off a little kid and just get a new job when the heat is around the corner. Amazing! I lost my job for making a big tit joke, guess I should have told the one about fucking a five year old. Obviously that is more acceptable.

Who are you people that continue to send your children to these schools? Pay your money, send your kids, dress those little girls in those outfits that the porn industry uses as movie ideas every day. Let your son become an altar boy. You're so proud. Don't bother to think about his stretched out anus while your chest and ego is inflated bragging at the fish fry while all the time your son cries alone on his pillow at night.

Wake up people, the Church is a business, and it is crooked and full of evil, yes EVIL people. So beware!

By the way, back to Pope John Paul, I feel he should have died in prison just like every other criminal. But he didn't, so hopefully the pallbearers had some fun with him before he was lowered down to rot.

Fuck you John Paul you didn't bless the gays, you overlooked your own gays, and you didn't help anybody that couldn't help you.

Rot in pieces!

'D''D'

Dirty Darril - Drinking Jesus

So you are all wondering why Jesus is drinking and smoking a cigarette. Let me explain. Long ago, God created, sorry, that's too far back. I'm sure we all have heard the "let there be light" story. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and God gave his only begotten son...blah, blah blah so that we may have peace on Earth. What he did not know was that we were going to rape and murder and steal and lie for our own personal gain to the effect that our way of life has become nothing more than a sick and twisted rat race for a piece of cheese that by the time we get it, it's hard on the edges and half of it has to be cut away so now we still don't have enough.

Do you think that Jesus thought for one minute that there would be women cutting babies out of other women's stomachs? Or his own clergy jerking off little boys? What about the guys with the candy bars melting in their laps sitting by the playgrounds? Do you think he thought of slavery or world wars? Was Jim Backer a thought? How about Two Girls One Cup? Let's ask him if he thought about abortion (which by the way is next weeks story, so stay tuned). You already know that he didn't think about pollen. We obviously know that he thought out no plan for america because Obama is President. Of course I could be wrong, he did allow Clinton a blow job, that's heaven sent, but he did disguise his helping by making Monica ugly and stupid. Did we touch on David Koresh? Manson?, Falwell?, Rush?, And that purple fuck, Barney?

How could you create such a world of complete bliss and watch it turn into a great big pile of shit, and not pick up a couple of bad habits? By the way, should they be considered bad habits? If I mow the lawn, I reward myself with a beer. Can't imagine what I would do if I created the world! Maybe you people should look at yourself and ask what you have done to turn Jesus to drinking?

If you asked that last question to Jesus, maybe it's you I should be bitching at because you are the douchebags that keep this Jesus character alive so you have somebody to talk to when everyone else passes out!

Bottom line, Jesus drinks, smokes, does the occasional line.

AND

He surfs, watches porn, and jacks-off.

Your feelings hurt?

WHATEVER!

Call Dr. Phil, he's a dick, but at least he's real!

/\ __ /\
I 'D"D' I
\ --- /
V

Dirty Darril

Dirty Darril Flys Home

So, I used to live in Detroit. The best way to get from there to St. Louis would be what? Fly! Yes, you are correct. You would think.
Listen to this bullshit.
This girl i know (which, by the way i had had LOTS of problems with, but that was in the past and we agreed to let all of that go.) called me and asked me if I would go to her company x-mas party with her. You know, why not?Party one night, see friends and family the next, home town. Sure. When?
I call the airlines and then I call her back and give her all of the info, since she will be picking me up at the airport. By the way this is pre 9/11. The next few days we talk back and forth about our upcoming weekend and I am actually looking forward to this. She is really excited, and you know what that means.




Day of flight. I travel down Hwy. 94 on my way to metro to catch my 10 am flight. I'm running a little late, but should be fine. I arrive at the horribly designed airport complex, park and wait for my shuttle to pick me up. And I wait. And wait. And wait. At this point I really can't do anything for this IS the pickup point. 22 minutes of which I didn't allow for has gone by. There is no way I will make this flight. The shuttle finally arrives and the only excuse this jack-off has for the delay is.... "that's why they tell you to get here earlier." They tell everybody that all because of you? interesting. I am now in the terminal. I stand in line to change my flight, surprisingly it goes pretty smooth. Now what? Hit the bar to waste my 3 hour delay, but first i call my ride to let her know that i will be late.
Of course, being a woman, she makes this into a bigger deal than it is, we will still have plenty of time to make this party. She's mad because she was at the airport already and I should have called earlier. Well, I'm sorry. I thought I would take care of business first so I had the new information at hand.
6 or 8 drinks later I head for the gate. while waiting for boarding to start I thought I should go ahead and take a piss first. I left my bag on the chair and went to the bathroom. There was this older lady that I had asked to watch my bag. When I returned the last selection of boarding numbers were in line and boarding. I grab my bag and start to walk toward the gate Then a security person stopped me. By me leaving my bag alone constitutes a bag search along with a series of questions. Remember my 6 or 8 drinks? Well this is not a time for stupid questions. Guess what? Looks like Darril is taking the next flight.
This will be a good phone call.
The next flight will put us having to go straight from the airport to the x-mas party. Which, by the way, was formal.
She is very upset with me now. I promise to sober up and tell her that during my wait I will change so that we can go straight there. We discuss where she will be to pick me up because she doesn't want to walk through the airport in a gown. "Please Darril, make that next plane." "Don't worry honey. See you then."
Of course, I missed the next plane.
And this is why:

The previous story was being told to her from my recliner as I sat drinking and laughing aloud by myself. You see, I never purchased a ticket. I made the excuses up for my own entertainment.
Do you know why?

Because she caused me alot of problems, and yes, we did agree to let it all go....
BUT...


I have trouble letting go, BITCH!

Dirty Darril Needs Milk

So I'm at the local grocery store.I only need a gallon of milk.I've just had a very strenuous 12-hour day. My goal is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible so I can get home and relax.
So I trudge all the way to the back of the store, grab my milk and proceed to the front.What's the quickest way to get out? Of course, the Cash Only 10-Items-or-Less line.That's what you would think. But NO!I get in line. There is one woman in front of me. Should only take a minute.
After more than 10 beeps from the checker's scanner I start counting the items she is purchasing. Grand total? 32 items.We're not talking packs of gum or peanuts. We're talking produce, liters of soda, frozen dinners, canned goods.I start counting out loud, "15!" *BEEP* "16!" *BEEP*"17!" *BEEP* "18!"*BEEP* "19!" *BEEP* "20!"*BEEP* "21!" *BEEP* "22!" "What the fuck!?"The clerk says, "Excuse me sir. Do you have a problem?"
"No. You have a problem. You're fucking letting people come through this line with more items than the should." "Aren't you a Ten-Items-or-Less, Cash Only checkout?"
"Well, it doesn't really matter at this time of night, SIR."
"Well, you know what, I come in here just to get my milk and I have stand for this bullshit while you let it go on? This is your job."The 32-item lady turns to me, "I'll be right out of here." Then she takes out her checkbook. Her mother fucking checkbook.I say, "Mother Fucker! You've GOT to be fucking kidding me!" "Do you see the CASH ONLY sign, lady?!!?"The clerk says, "SIR. Can you relax a little?" "We don't need that type of language in here."
"Are you fucking out of your fucking mind?" "You're going to correct me while you're the one not doing your fucking job?" "I have to stand behind this fucking CUNT while she writes a fucking check in a Goddamn CASH lane?"
"Fuck You"
"Sir. You will not be able to check out at this store. Really? Fuck you and this fucking store."
Without breaking eye contact I fling my precious gallon of milk over my shoulder and give the fuck-you finger to the cunt who couldn't do her job properly in the first place.As I strolled from the lane to the exit door. Hearing gasps and whispers (and the gallon milk landing far away) the security guard walks towards me as I leave the store."You have no idea what kind of day I had. Don't fuck with me."He walked off. Face down.
Four days later I needed a loaf of bread and they wouldn't let me in.It sucked. That was the closest grocery store to my house.