2011 Super-Bowl Commercials - The Big Yawn

You, like me, probably don't remember what happened during any given Super Bowl from years past, but I'll bet you remember Betty White last year, or "Whassup" from 2000 or the Budweiser frogs from 1995, or even the Mean Joe Green Coke commercial from the 1980. And who can forget Apple's 1984-inspired introduction of the Macintosh to the world in '84?

The commercials are important. They become small talk fodder for year's later; they bookmark our cultural history and they inspire creativity in one of our most important social commentaries, advertising.

But this year was a friggin' bust.

Well over half of this year's ads looked like the usual shit that I fast-forward through on my DVR. It was so  bad, that I can barely remember them now to write this piece. I had to google the ad list just seconds ago to get through this. Here are a few of the worst. I decided to put the worst first so everyone gets to it. Those that follow are bad but they pale in suckitude to this one:

Stella Artois - Adrian Brody is an UGLY MOTHER FUCKER WITH NO TALENT AND SHOULD HIDE UNDER A ROCK SOMEWHERE! WHO TOLD THIS DICKTARD HE CAN SING?

BMW X3 - Defying Logic

The car commercials in general were boring, but this one made me want to strangle the douche-bag, southern accented narrator.

Boring.

Bud - Hack Job
AB is the star of Superbowl commercials, but they can't all be gems. This one just failed to deliver. Whose fucking idea was this anyway, an interns? It was just flat and even though they had a bunch of people jumping around in the kitchen, I just wanted to turn it off.





Brisk - Eminem Doesn't Do Commercials
This guy is an ass. What the fuck is he so pissed off about? Seriously, get over it already. Nobody's buying the "Eminem is a hard ass" bit anyway. The only fight you might win would be a gun fight, provided your hoody didn't block your line of sight.





With all due respect,
The Chief

Guess what idiots: TV lies to you!

Yes. It's true. TV is not your friend.

Not unless you consider misleading you and trying to make you feel stupid and weak a friendly attribute.

Ok. Here's just a short list of the bullshit they try to sell you or convince you of:

1. Fat dudes can get the hot chick.

King of Queens. Need I say more? What cute girl would ever go for a goon like Kevin James? Shit! Why do I even know that slob's name!

I'm sure you're thinking that you see fat dudes with hot chicks all the time. That's because today's fat slob is often yesterdays high school football star.

2. Gays are all over and they're all OUTragious.

How many gay people do you know? Ok. Now subtract the ones you know from Bravo or E!

All the homosexuals I've known are much more normal than TV makes them out to be. They're not all divas people.

3. News is objective.

Don't believe me? Just look at the bullshit they drummed into the skulls of all the sheep so they would buy bread and milk and bottled water because Snowmaggedon was coming.

Do I even need to cover cable news and it's sensationalism?

Most people can't tell the difference between investigative reporting and entertainment.

4. You're a total douchebag if you don't buy this product.

Miller Lite. These fucking commercials with the snotty bartenders who make fun of the poor sap who doesn't care if he has a beer that tastes good. They continue to make fun of his clothes. You fucking bitches! He just paid for that beer!

Or how about the one with the little kid whose parents drive a nicer minivan than his friends parents? It goes on to make fun of the kids for the parents not buying the latest Honda. Guess what? It's still a fucking minivan you idiots. I hate that goddamn kid.

5. Jewish people are all over and they're outrageous.

See #2. Same thing.

6. TV depicts what the American dream is.

I always thought the American dream was that every person, no matter what race, social standing or economic status you came from, had the chance to make the most out of their lives.

Instead, we'll watch millionaires live their boring (and often staged) day to day lives on reality TV. If you don't drive this or wear this brand of clothes what the fuck have you amounted to?

Loser.

7. The only people worthy of a biography are celebrities.

Do a search on the Biography Channel and try to find an episode about a leader, scientist or artist. Good luck.

8. Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive.

She looks like a horse. Google her name. One of the top results is www.sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com.

9. Food on commercials looks great.

Have you EVER ordered a Big Mac that looks THAT good?

10. Reality TV is Reality.

This is the cheapest most profitable form of television to produce. You don't have to pay the "stars" shit. Most often the real talent is the editor. They're the ones who cut it up to get this or that reaction. They also have the magic ability to stretch 15 minutes of content into 40.

Fucking MTV started all this bullshit. Why don't they just change thier name.

Read a book you idiots.

- Darth