A Love Letter to the Octo-Mom

For the first time in WRA history we have a Celebrity E-vite FROM one celebrity to another.

Dearest Nadya,

Let's be honest with each other. You need a man who can handle your eight new kids. Who better than a man with tentacles?

You never have to worry about your kids again. I'll take care of them and put them to work. What fine Henchlings they will be!

Also, did I mention I'm a doctor? What woman doesn't want a doctor? I can perform your collagen implants and plastic surgery myself.

The paparazzi that is constantly hounding you? No need to worry about them. I'll just impale and toss the entire crowd and send them away screaming. (Especially that Peter Parker snot from the Daily Bugle.)

And when the day is done we can retire back to my hidden lair where I can please you in ways you've never dreamed of.

Did I mention I have tentacles?

WITH attachments.

Ever since my accident years ago in the lab I've turned myself into an oddity. A freak.

I did this to myself, you brought this on your own.

You are as self-absorbed as any supervillain.

We are a perfect match!

 

Call me!

Dr. Otto Octavius   

Time To Dye The Jesus Eggs

Yes, it's Easter-time and that means its time to dye eggs and not eat them. Time to eat chocolate eggs but not understand why. Time to wonder at the magic of a bunny that lays eggs. Time to hide eggs and send kids out to find them only to later have them refuse to eat them as well. Time to sit on two-legged, giant rabbits that live in the mall and think to ourselves what the hell is going on.

My kids have asked me for years, "Dad, why do we dye eggs and is the Easter Bunny Jesus?" In their early years I played along and settled for discussing the ridiculous nature of this holiday with my fellow Illuminati, but now that they are older I am free to say: NOTHING, ITS BULLSHIT. THE EARLY CHRISTIAN LEADERS USED A PAGAN HOLIDAY TO SUBVERT THE CONVERTED!

Come on already! Pink and blue hard boiled eggs? What do they represent? Do they mean to suggest that Jesus was a chicken? No. They represent fertility and the rebirth of spring. Duh! And please don't try the whole "the egg represents rebirth as in Jesus' rising from the dead" thing because I don't think He emerged from a giant egg like Mork.

So folks watch out for the Holy Bunny and remember where you hid all the eggs because even Jesus would say "what the fuck" if he found a 3 month old egg in the spoon drawer.

Our Economic Future.......

This link I think sums it up for us. Especially, if the era is also taken into account. I think more than a few things are similar......




R.I.P. ECONOMY

BROUGHT TO BY YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD:

Let's Review, Where We're At Now. No! It Ain't Some New Whitney Useless Song!

Greetings and Salutations! I thought I would change it up a bit this time, and do a little posting in The Ultra Critic section. Aren't you happy? I bet you're about to shit little green weenies, in anticipation of what this dude may spout next!!! :(   Well, I'm as broken a record as The BeeGee's, "How Deep is Your Love", with several razor cuts in the grooves, played by a drunken Irishman with one finger on the turntable, and his fist up the arse of the creator of " Veggie Tales". Just to give a brief description.

Anyway! On with the 'shoe'... 

I was wondering if anyone happened to see the 60 Minutes episode about the FDIC taking over banks? Well, I was quite intrigued with the story right up until about the end of it; when it was revealed that, (and I should have guessed) most of the take-over's are of smaller banks, usually of the 5 billion or less market. When, whatever the Schmudzvink of a reporter it is, asks the field director of the FDIC, her opinion on the subject, using Citibank as an example of the BIG guys are getting bailed out, but not the smaller community based banks. She said something to the effect that, and I'm paraphrasing, 'The American public and Congress might really want to look into the bigger banks EVEN BEING ALLOWED TO EXIST'. Well, I did one of those fucking Lewis Black jabbering of the jowls in my mind!!! Holy Shit!! Someone in the Fed being honest and forthright! Well I was floored.

So as far as MY review goes, of this would-be UNCLE SAM automaton; Well she gets a fucking A+ for honesty at least!

While I'm at it.... I think I'll review something else! How about something simple?! TIME

For starters, try explaining to your boss the next time you're late to work that the average U.S. city commuter looses 38 hours a year to traffic delays! Then watch as his head turns so cocked, (like the RCA dog) that it falls off and his brains sprout wings and fly away, WEEEEE!!

Or maybe the next time you're in a really nasty, heated, blood-boiling debate with your significant other, over something as trivial as wether you're going stuff a 3 or 6 piece McMaggot meal down the chillin's throats. You could let your one and only know that.... Daylight Savings Time began as a joke, ole' Benny Franklin devised to get people up earlier, to stay outta the house longer, and conserve on candles!!! Whoopie!! Then watch as you partners eye's sag out of their sockets, and a Raymond Scott 'Merrie Mellodies' tune starts magically coming out of the stereo you just KNOW you had tuned to Z-107.7!!

Or that "time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." As Douglas Adam's put it so eloquently.

I don't know that that was much of a critique, that last bit of drivel. But I do know it's late and I've had enough!!

Later!

Special Report - Expletive Infixation, or Merry Mc Fuckin Christmas!

Expletive infixation is the the insertion of an expletive into a common word or phrase. Expletive infixation or EI is a higher form of cursing that may only be practiced once you have mastered the finer points and nuances of cussing. Certainly not for everyone, EI is difficult to do correctly, to time correctly and must be used sparingly otherwise it sounds awkward and excessive, similar to the manner in which most if not all boxers speak.

There are few rules to the structuring an expletive infixation, but they must be followed carefully. First and foremost the infixator must only insert his expletive of choice, commonly fuck, between syllable boundaries such as  ri-goddamn-diculous or un-goddamn-believable. Generally this rule includes the use of the expletive in later syllabic boundries as such as in non-cha-fuckin-lant, abso-fuckin-lutely or in-su-fuckin-ficient.

A second and still important rule in EI is that the user must try to insert expletives that complement the frictives and plosives in the word being inserted. For example non-cha-fuckin-lantly as opposed to non-cha-goddamn-lantly or in-fuckin-credable rather than in-goddamn-credable.

A third and perhaps lesser discussed rule, more of a guideline, is that fuck and goddamn are the two best, most effective and infixates available. Generally one does not hear words like shit, piss, cocksucker or cunt infixed. Either because they phonetically do not work or that they don't have quite the impact that the latter words do is up for debate.

Another, semi-alternate form of expletive infixation is mono or non- primary syllable phrasing EI. This is a form of EI where in the expletive is inserted into a phrase following a guttural pause which may replace a definite or indefinite article. For example, Leave me a'-fuck alone!" and Shut the fuck Up!". The former phrase usually retains the definite article but can be heard as Shut a-fuck Up! as well.

Wikipedia has collected a very nice list of expletive infixation examples. A partial list appears below for your study. For further reading please visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expletive_infixation#See_also

• for-fucking-ever


• dis-fucking-stracted


• un-fucking-real


• congratu-fucku-lations (Harold and Kumar)


• un-fucking-believable


• unbe-fucking-lievable (The White Album, 2000; The Wire)


• fan-fucking-tastic (Terms of Endearment, 1983; The Departed, 2006)


• out-fucking-standing


• hi-fucking-larious


• inco-fucking-herent


• noncha-fucking-lantly


• fan-damn-tastic (Earthsiege 2)


• guaran-damn-tee (Southwest American slang)


• "ri-goddamn-diculous" (attributed to a drunken John Wayne, in an address to graduating ROTC cadets, also used in the movies Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me and Haggard)


• "abso-fraggin'-lutely" (catch phrase of character John Sheridan in the television show Babylon 5)


• "Ala-fucking-bama" (used in the movie My Cousin Vinny)


• "I'd say that makes him a lia-fucking-bility." (from The Boondock Saints)


• "You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist." (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels)


• "Cinder-fucking-rella" (from Pretty Woman)


• Don't inter-fucking-rupt!


• "I'm not o-fucking-kay!" (from 'I'm Not Okay (I Promise)' by My Chemical Romance)


• "Pay a-bloody-ttention!" (from Dressed to Kill by Eddie Izzard)


• "Forty-fucking-five!" (from Sex and the City)


• "Contra-fuckin'-band" (from The Departed, 2006)


• "Sen-fucking-sational" (from QI, Series A episode 4, October 2003)


• Led-fucking-Zeppelin


• Ronald McGodDamnDonald


• Bat-fucking-man

This Shit Just Keeps Gettin' Deeper

Well.... It's Gettin' close to WWIII time at the 'ole Angry Brady homestead. Of course, when isn't it? I might add.

So, I get home today; other than getting to see my wonderful dog, I pick up the mail. EAAANNNTT!!! Wrong move! I should leave these things to someone more qualified and level-headed, like my lovely wife. So, anyway... I get two letters from this absolutely shitty insurance company (Starbridge) my employer has for us employee's. I open the  first letter and it tells me they're not covering this doctor I've been seeing. No explanation.... My neck's startin' to twitch. Letter number two. This one wants me to provide the company with any dr. I may have seen in the last 6 months and any medication I may have used. To top it off; they want to remind me that any misleading or omitted information, (I hear the Prisoner opening credits ringing in my head), will get me fined and/or thrown in the Clink! Of course at this point I'm none too happy! So I decide to call this fucked, piece of shit, provider!! The robot of a 'customer care RAPEresentitive' tells me in the most monotone drone (hell I rhyme!), 'this is to make sure you don't have any preexisting conditions'. Which in turn, I comment that they haven't made any such requests of me concerning my primary! What gives? No good explanation on that end.. I hang up... And the gerbil starts doing his paces in my little brain...

WHAT THE FUCK!!! Why do we put up with this shit?!?! Fucking wars that cost billions, bailing out severely starched, tight-assed big wigs, propping up miserably  designed  cars that suck enormous amounts of petrol that American auto makers try to peddle, moving jobs over seas so we can buy cheap fucking trinkets from Wally World, etc, etc, ad nauseam!! So you and I can, what, have shitty insurance that we not only pay an arm and a leg for, but that we get treated as criminals?! To have to mortgage our homes and spend our entire life savings to put our rug rats through some bullshit college, so they can get a fucking masters degree to be able to say , "would you like fries with that BigCrack?" 

Doesn't anyone else see this shit?!?! Or are you too doped up on SSRI's and Ambien, watching that One-Eyed-Brainsucker, and beating it to the latest Jenna Jameson porno to care?!!! Does anyone even spend the time to read this puny rant? THAT's an even bigger question, better left for another time.

Listen people, when you gonna wake up and smell the Napalm? Does ole' Scratch have to come knocking on your door, saying he's got a real good deal for ya', if you just sign this little document...? Or maybe you already have. :(

It may seem as though I'm off on a tangent, but this really (and pretty much everything else that I've spewed about for the last couple months) is about US, YOU and I, giving up what little freedoms we may or may not still have, in order to chase each other up the ziggurat that goes nowhere, but to some materialistic oblivion!! Listen, as the old saying goes, absolute power, corrupts absolutely!  The more we allow the government, big pharma, insurance companies, credit providers, etc. to dictate to us what we'll wear, what will drive, how we'll take care of our health, where we'll shop, the less we can remain individual's and have a differing view-point! AND, the big AND,the less personal control we have over our own lives in general.

You just THINK your free!!! Wake form your slumber!! Get mad! Or as the movie say's "Im mad as hell! And I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

Another Reason We Are FUCKED As A Society!

I will share with the reader, another experience I had---well just today! Actually, it's really been going on since the end of January, but it all came to a head today.

I got one of my W-2's from a nameless worldwide entity, who's only been in business for a little over 2000 years. Doh! I didn't just give too much away right now did I? Anyway, this happened to be from said employer in a fairly well know Pacific NorthWestern city that will also remain nameless.

As the story goes, they sent me a W-2 reporting that I made something like $2000 more than I actually made! This was rather quizzical to me. Especially since the number was quite familiar.So what does Angry Brady do? Well he decides to start looking through his records. And you know what he finds? He finds the EXACT numbers from last years tax season! 'So what?' you might ask. Maybe he was salaried. Maybe he worked the exact same hours as the last year. Maybe he sprinkled magical fucking fairy dust around some dead relative's grave and danced naked, backwards, reciting Olde English poetry, while masturbating with the Snuggle's bear from those maddening fucking 80's commercials? No, I had none of those things happen. Although the latter sounds curiously interesting. This, My friends(and enemies), was another example of why we are FUCKED!! FUCKED I SAY!!

I will elaborate.  In 2008, I worked there only January, and February. Two months, count 'em, 2! As for the W-2 I got?  Well, it, as I have stated earlier was exactly the same as 2007; For which I worked for said employer for 6 months that year! And, NO, I didn't get a hefty raise. I made the same amount. 'SO WHAT' you say, mistakes can happen. Yes they can, and yes they do... Only in this case the mistake continued to mushroom until I could start hearing the sounds of columns of marching Nazi's ,Goose-stepping in the street's of Paris, and of entire galaxies slamming into each other, of  32,378,562,371,849 trains filled with the entire Universe's supply of Slayer's Reigning Blood played on the worst GPX boom-boxes(you remember GPX? They were right here in old Missery). 'Why?', might you ask, is  this creating such anger in his head? Well, on repeated telephone calls, email exchanges, smoke signals, mental telepathy sessions. This is where I finally got today... And I'm going to paraphrase here... Mr. Brady, Our records indicate, and after repeated conversations with both our accountants and ADP, that in fact in March of 2008 we did make a payment to your account by direct deposit in the sum of XXXXXX dollars. And basically,you got to keep money that wasn't owed to you. So your W-2 was correct! We, at this point, are not seeking reimbursement in the amount of XXXX dollars. So, case closed, eat shit, and go fuck yourself up a tree....

WAIT A MINUTE!!  I just got the double-fists of love and brotherhood straight up the ass!! And I got called a liar!! And a thief!!! All I wanted was the correct W-2, so I could file my taxes, so I could help Bernie Madoff get a more luxurious penthouse made of gold and diamonds, when he gets outta Club Fed!

So, anyway, I called my bank and asked for March 2008 statement and they confirmed what happened... Direct Deposit made the 28th by said employer and at 2:35 p.m. PST a withdrawl made by said SAME employer ('whoops' says they).

I in turn, sent a lovely, cheery, fuzzy email response back to the 'tool' I had the email from, letting him know about my thought's on their accounting team, ADP, himself, his organization, his kids, and the way he was raised, and the way this whole Goddamn fiasco came to be in the first place!! Still haven't heard back from him; though I did get a rather sheepish email from some other gonad, fessing up to the fact that 'they may have made a mistake' 'Please have patience' FUCK YOUR PATIENCE!!! Ever watch the episode of  WonderShozen on PATIENCE? Try it, you'll like it, and understand where I'm coming from.

So you may wonder why we as a nation are in the SHIT we're in??? Well if ya still are, then I just proved my point to myself....

GODDAMMIT I'M DONE

Let's Review (Roast) the new U2 Album

It's been a little over 4 years since U2 has released an album.

Unfortunately it's been 17 years since they've released a really good album.

Achtung Baby in 1991. Christ. As long as my son has been alive they've only put out mediocre tripe. Granted there were a few gems after Achtung Baby but you had to suffer through half of All That You Can't Leave Behind and How To Dismantle an Atomic Bomb to get to them. I've realized that the longer the album title the shittier the records going to be.  Notice that Unforgettable Fire, Joshua Tree and War are their best albums?

Anyway, on to the review.

Track 1:

The record starts out with the title track. It's OK. A little droning but OK. Gives you a little hope for the rest of the album.

Track 2: 

Magnificent - That's the title of the song. What hubris these guys developed. I have to admit that it is a good song. Not magnificent. Way to fucking lead us on guys. I won't take your word for it.

Track 3:

Moment of Surrender - Well this one is...zzzzzzz...Oh shit. I'm sorry, I fell asleep around the 4 minute mark.  Wait a minute. That's a little over halfway through the song. Christ. What's with having a 7 and a half minute song. Only Don McLean and Zeppelin can get away with that. This could have been good if it was under 4 minutes.  

Track 4:

Unknown Caller - For starters, 6 minutes long. Come on guys. Cut the fat. There's something weird going on with the group chorus. They should have had black chicks singing in the background. The band singing background chorus doesn't work this time. 

Track 5:

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight - Ok. Shorter song. Thanks guys. Great lyrics. Possible single? Who cares. At this point their selling albums solely on their name. Why do they need singles?

Track 6:

Get On Your Boots - Here's the first single. Not a bad first track to release. It exemplifies the album. It gets you excited for a new U2 album but misleads you into thinking there are more fast-paced tracks on the album. Sorry folks, this is it.

Track 7:

Stand Up Comedy - I can't really complain about this one. Fuck it. I will anyway. It's on this shitty album.

Track 8:

FEZ-Being Born - No. This isn't about the guy from That 70's Show. Might as well be. Makes no sense. Next!

Track 9:

White As Snow - Snow or Snore? Sleepytime music. 

Track 10:

Breathe - 5 minute song. Would be better at 3.5 minutes. What's with all these long tracks? I'm losing interest after that shitty Track 9.

Track 11:

Cedars Of Lebanon - Skip. If anyone ever wants to videotape their suicide by hanging this would be the song that plays as you do it. Cut to your feet swinging back and forth,  inches from the floor. Fade out.

Pretty brutal, huh? What's up with the great bands of the 80s fizzing out? Sure R.E.M. put out a great record last year but we had to suffer through Around The Sun, Up, and New Adventures in Hi-Fi. The Cure hasn't put out a good record since Wild Mood Swings. Depeche Mode, too long ago to tell.

Despite this albums weaknesses it does grow on you after several listens. But this is U2. Perhaps the greatest modern band around. We should be blown away.

Better luck next time guys. Good thing I didn't sink any money into it. Thanks piratebay!

And to the fans out there who like this you probably also listen to overrated, droning, no-hook music like Radiohead, Snow Patrol and Coldplay.

- Darth

Give up breathing for Lent! A.K.A. Do us all a favor and just piss off!

Not being of the religious persuasion, I'm shocked every year, but especially this year being that where I work I'm surrounded by it, when people smear ash on their foreheads, and walk around for the day looking like a zombie out of a George A. Romero flick!

This tradition puzzles me so greatly, that I decided to do a little research.
So..... Here goes....

Lent, as most Christian dogmas, was stolen from the Pagans. That's just for starters! "Awe fucking quit it all ready," you say! No, fuck you! I have to exist in this culture too! And I'm sick of some Christians blathering on about being discriminated against! That's a load of Dingo kidney's! I honestly never met a group of more discriminating individuals in my life (this goes for most organized religion)! But for today, I'm picking on Christians.

On with the story!

Lent is a three-fold process, supposedly ,but as most traditions go, it gets bastardized and watered down!

1. Give penance (desire to be forgiven). Pffft!!! I'm sure you're all thinking of this one as that palm ash is smeared on your pious forehead!

2. Alms giving (justice towards all) NOT ARMS GIVING! Most of you are probably thinking Old Testament (also a good death metal band) shit here. Well think what you like; if justice were truly meted out, most of of would be up the proverbial "Creek Without a Paddle".

3. Prayer (justice towards God). Like he needs a little juzztize...

Moving on... Lent is supposed to be forty days. Culminating in Easter!! Weeeeee! It's funny how we humans need things driven into our skulls! Numbers and patterns and the like! What the fuck is he talking about you say?! 'Viddy well me brother, viddy well' i.e. 40 days Jesus spent in the desert. God made it rain for? You guessed it..40 days. Elijah spent on Mt. Horeb,40. The amount of time the Heebs spent being Red Sea Pedestrian, 40 days. Jonah gave Nineveh to repent or face the wrath of your "Loving God", 40! For fuck sake! Need I continue? I needn't.

Let's just put it this way; how many of you really realize that by looking like you just got off the set of Serpent and the Rainbow and scaring the shit out of little children and humble story tellers, such as yours truly, what Lent truly means?!

I watch a lot of these people come from Lenten Mass, get in their car, and proceed to smack the ever-loving shit out of the "fruit of their loins". Talk about self-hatred! Or maybe they partake in the Lenten season and proceed to convince themselves they are "Good Christians", and happily send their "loved ones" off to kill brown-skinns in the name of "JUSTICE" and maybe a little oil!

Listen! I've got absolutely nothing against Spirituality! As a matter of fact, I whole heartedly condone it!! I know, I know, your saying "this fucking looney supports that. Yeah right!"

Honestly, I just play an asshole on t.v.

Let me tell you something. THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGION!!!! One is feeling it and one is the dogmatic process that's supposed to get you to the former!

Wouldn't that be a novel idea?! You mean I can be spiritual and I don't need some fucker telling me how to attain it? And I don't even have to tithe my way to the promised land? You mean I don't have to go to a man-made house to talk to the spirit of the light? WTF you say! You mean I can develop my own conception of a Universal Connectedness? Holy Dick and Balls! (this is beginning to sound like a scene out of Life of Brian!)

My advise, not that you are asking, give up the dogma! Dance to your own tune! Give up the McReligion!

Free your mind!

Well if you've read this far and don't want to search me out and pull a "Rambo" on my ass, congrats to you! You may well have one or two open-minded brain cells left! Pat yourself on the back and stay away from those morbid death cults (another good band, BTW)!

Peace be with you my brothers and sisters, or if you must, go to the title of this little rant and follow those instructions (if you really must be told what to do!) Or, go pound sand! Just stay in your own back yard. And to use a term of a very close and true friend... Don't shit in my bed!
Enough! Latter!

Angry Brady
Sent from my iPhone