Time To Bitch-Slap the World, Again?

Kim Jong Il has got a big pair, doesn't he? Figuratively anyway, as we all know that asians are not typically well endowed.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has some fucking nerve too. Shifty little election stealing prick. Who does he think he is George W. Bush?

While I was vacationing in the glory that is Mexico; land of sun, smiles, sand and drug lords, the rest of the world went to hell in the proverbial hand basket. Thankfully, I didn't worry myself with the triviality that is life-not-on-vacation, but when I got back people started asking me questions about what was going on. All looking for an answer...an asshole's answer... the answer that they are all thinking and too PC chicken shit to say.

NUKE EM!

I think its time. Really. Its been over sixty years since we kicked some real ass, and boys and girls I'm afraid its time to again. The media tells us that our world image is seriously tarnished and I completely agree. No one is afraid of us anymore. Thanks GW! But we can fix that. It won't be pretty though, but we can repair our image just like we originally built it. Kicking some fucking ass.

People, you have to remember, the United States has been like a father to the rest of the world for the last 100 years, except for our dickhead step brothers the Russians. One thing that all GOOD, EFFECTIVE fathers do is instill a deep, strong yet warm sense of fear in his children. Fear that if they screw up, Dad will slap them right in the mouth, or make them go out and cut a switch. But unfortunately due to our shitty planet parenting of the last dozen or so years, our parental influence has become more akin to that of an old, fat wrestling coach that keeps threatening to pin you but can't move fast enough to even catch you.

So I say we give Lil' Kim the attention he so desperately wants and FLATTEN HIS FUCKING USELESS PIECE OF SHIT COUNTRY. You watch. If we do (which we won't) Iran will shut the fuck up and eat its broccoli just like you did after your Dad smacked the shit out of your older brother at Thanksgiving.

Happy Fathers' Day!

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Effective Cussing - Sugar Honey Ice Tea

While cursing is, in most gentle company, considered something just above flinging snot; we here at WRA feel its an important part of modern American expression. How could we adequately convey our most intense emotions without a good fuck or shit once in awhile. Cussing while not for everyone, is as valid a form of self expression as singing or smiling.

But there are people out there that want to make you feel bad about it.

You know them, usually people that where raised by drunken Christian parents and when they hear you cuss they say things like, "What did you say?" or "Whoa watch the f-bombs."

But there are others, typically born agains or Southern Baptist, that will lay another trip on you. They will say things like, " 'scuse me, but I don't hear profanity! I don't use it and I don't want to hear it. I'll pray for you."

Get Fucked.

What drives me crazy is that blue language is not a sin. (Not that I care, but still.) There is no mention in the bible or Torah that says that God will burn your ass for eternity if you slip a couple of cocksuckers or pussies in once in a while. Nothing. Don't believe me, look.

The thing that really makes me want to burn a mother fucker's house down though is when they give me some cacamamy replacement for my favorite vocabulary. Case in point, this past weekend while coming home from Chicago on the Amtrak my good friend and Darth's wife said "shit". She said "shit" in front of this loud-mouthed black lady that worked the Cafe car. Upon hearing the offending word she spouted, "Oh my don't say that word, say sugar." Granted it was not that obnoxious at first but then she went on to tell her that she should say "Sugar Honey Ice Tea" in lieu of shit because Jesus hates profanity I started to feel my skin crawl and my fists clench.

Give me a break. Sorry, a fucking break.

If I say "sugar honey ice tea", when I mean shit, its basically the same as saying shit, right? As if by substituting one word for another it somehow mystically removes the intent of the words. Ridiculous. That would mean that when I say "friendly anus groupy" I mean fag or when I say "pickles in sweet sauce" I mean piss or when I say "first under christine's knickers" I mean... well you know what I mean.

Actually one of my favorite curse-word replacements in this vein is "foxtrot unicorn charlie kilo", which comes in second to my kids' favorite "if you seek Amy" and "Shut the front door".

My other favorite fuck substitute is frag, thanks BSG.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Dumb Mother-fuckers That Can't Do Their Job!

Update!!! The Strange Voodoo has Vanished!!!

The longer I'm around on this ball of dirt, the more I am in one sense amazed, and in another am of the opinion that some of us are only here functioning and perambulating about through sheer dumb luck!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


While I understand and know all too well about mistakes, I see so

much incompetence, not caring, and passing of the proverbial buck, that entire scenarios formulate in my brain on how to completely grind someone into dust, to nuke them to fucking glass!!
People are downright slothful, irksome meat bags at times!



The thing that really pisses me off, is when, say.... Your boss puts
you in charge of something and tells you he has the utmost confidence in your abilities to handle said task. He even says he wants nothing to do with it! He "TRUSTS" you... Then one fine day, he decides to meddle in the operations, and puts a call in to the contractor supplying the product, and proceeds to bitch at him about the quality of service! Not just bitch, but totally demean the contractor, while you are walking in on the tail end of the ego deflation session. To then be told that the contractor will be in the next day to hash things out about 'the situation'!
Stirring the pot! Is he going to finish what he started??? Hell Fucking No! Pass the Goddamn, Ever-loving, Mother-fucking Buck, he will!!! Micro-managing Rapscallion!
So anyway, I get the pleasure of dealing with someone



who's just had their head removed, figuratively^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Needless to say, I bore the full brunt of the man's rage! Shit! I think I got called everything but a white man! Of course you probably know that I couldn't let something like continue on much longer. To make a long story short... The full rage and quick thinking of yours truly SHUT HIS SHIT DOWN!! He thought he got a nasty taunting before! His mother was a hamster, and his father smelt of Elderberries!!
Anyway... you get my point. I think...
The moral of this story is...... FINISH WHAT YOU START, DO YOUR GODDAMN WORK, AND SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR OTHERS! (even if you don't wanna). How do you think we all got into the mess we're in socially and financially?? RIGHT... By Shempin' your fellow man at every opportunity, gettin' more shit than you can afford, and being downright lazy!!

P.S. That dude not only agreed to supply me with everything I need at no charge, he
practically groveled before me, as to not offend me further! he's probably still
licking his mental wounds!
As for my boss... :-) He's next... fucking stooge...

I am patient and devious....
Angry Brady

Auf Wiedersehen!!

An Observation of a New/Old Problem

I've been mulling over a situation for the last couple of weeks that continues to irritate, enrage, and puzzle me all at the same time. That situation seemed to first take root in Crestwood, of all places, about 6-7 years ago. This was not long after 9-11 (The Great Lie!)

I was driving around Crestwood, wasting time before my wife got off work, when I started noticing all of the cameras at just about every light along Watson Rd. I thought, "what the fuck is this all about?" I decided to do a little research. What we 'citizen's' were being told was that this was MODOT putting these up for better traffic control at intersections. That these cameras were to facilitate shorter lights for those waiting at intersections where no one else was proceeding at right angles to said drivers. This would of course make for much smoother traffic flow and fewer 'snarl ups'. Of course what they didn't tell us initially, was that the money to do this came mostly from DHS (Department of Homeland Security)! I thought this rather quizzical. What the fuck does DHS have to do with "better traffic flow"? I smelled a rat! Name: G.W.

The thing that, over time, really started to get my goat, was that I could see no discernible difference in wait times at these lights. Even more noticeable to me, the fact that when stopped at these lights and no one could be seen in either direction, I still seemed to sit just as long as at the old pressure sensor driven lights! Albeit, there were of course some instances of a quicker light change. So I decided to try a little experiment.... ;-)

I started flipping off every light I came to! I'm not talking a quick flipping of the proverbial Bird. I mean sticking out my entire arm through the sun-roof! Full extension baby!! Except in cases where someone in the oncoming lane might be peering my way. I wasn't looking for a fist fight with my fellow 'Citizen of the Republic'. 

"Well what the Hell were you doing?", one might ask. I wanted to see if there were actually any humans behind the Cyclops staring down at me! As opposed to some A.I./computer algorithm making possible life or death traffic decisions. You know what I found more cases than not? The process of thrusting my mock phallic statement at the camera seemed to make lights, that I had been to many times before and not done this, change quicker!! I know, I know... You may be saying all sorts things. Coincidence; The person on the other end finding it humorous/enraging and pushing the button for me; The A.I. program (possibly) seeing it a threat? You know, like if you call a 1-800 number and don't want to push 3 trillion buttons to be able to talk to a human, and instead yell TERRORIST or BOMB! You'll get a real human quickly! You may not get what you're looking for though.... Anyway, that's just been my experience, with the stop lights mind you, not the former. 

This goes deeper than just cameras at the lights, not to mention the cost of each camera and the installation. Look it up sometime! Trust me, we're not the only city with the Goddamn things! Do the math!! How many schools could be built or teachers hired or pavements patched. For instance in Rockhill, on Rockhill RD. at Manchester. You know, where they bulldozed the "Black" section of Rockhill to build a strip-mall that is still largely unoccupied! Yet they couldn't even fix the fucked-off, bucking Bronco ride you get if you are so inclined to experience that! This again, is an example of just how fucking apathetic we as a nation have become! We don't care what our government does in our name or to us! As long as we get our Gucci-Gucci Goo hand bags and our Fall schedule of whatever Reality drivel you people watch, isn't interrupted! Fuck! Pretty soon, we'll have cameras in our undergarments! Or maybe Net-Cammed into our neural pathways! Keep drinking that Pepsi (Kool-Aid)!! You're worth it America!! Hell! Study your history! Rome, and many other have already traveled this path..... 

OBSERVATIONS OF BUSCH STADIUM

Well, I went to a game at the new Busch stadium this last Saturday. New to me 'cause this is the first time I've been in it. I know, I'm not a good St. Louisan... Anyway, it would seem we had pretty good seats. 12th row, section 150. Right behind home plate. The game itself was the usual when I attend, they lost. The stadium itself is nice enough. I still think it's Goddamn humorous that it's 35' from highway 40! I also think it was a bunch of shit us tax payers got horn-swoggled into paying for this unnecessary expense! Not to mention having a big empty lot where some sportsman's paradise was supposed to go; Or what ever the fuck it was! Running out of funds weren't in the picture as I seem to remember being lied to about!

The biggest piece of bullshit to me is the fact that every 1-2 innings, some asshole would go into the crowd and ask 'TRIVIA'. The 'TRIVIA' consisted of questions about Six Flags!! So fucking what! You may say. Well, if I'm not mistaken, 43,000 people paid money to see a Base Ball game! Hell!! I think my buddy paid in excess of $100 for our seats! So in essence, I, and 42,999 other schmucks are paying to have Sick Fags, via proxy, advertise to us!! These 'Sheeple', willingly belly up to the challenge! In the hopes of the 15 minutes of fame hog wash! I know, I know, so what you say. Well.... I guess my societal blinders are broken!! Ignorance really is bliss I guess!! I can't just shut that shit off!! Or tune it out! I especially don't like the 'extras' being thrown in for my amusement! The 'product' being paid for is NOT the extemporaneous bullshit! Kinda like when you go to the movies nowadays... Hell!! you could be 20 fucking minutes late and probably still catch adverts!

"You're weird and outta sync", you say. Well let's use this logic.... Suppose our society felt, all of a sudden, that Porn billboards and adverts on the tube promoting pedophilia and torture were all the rage! I'll bet that would get some feathers ruffled! Parents would be outraged! Veterans would be up in arms! Lot's of people would be paying attention then! Wouldn't they?! Because that would cross too many societal morays! Get the picture? Or you still part of the 'Matrix'?

Spent too many nights in front of the 'Boob Tube' already? That's right.... You still like going to the mall to buy, and support your favorite malt beverage, at $24.99 a pop! Fuck it! YOU'LL do the advertising for them!!! And spend your hard earned cash to do it! SHEEPLE!!!!! BAAHHAAHAA..... 

Mother Fuckers I Can't Stand #3: Idiots in Public

All the following are dress habits or behaviors that define you as a douchebag in public. Just stay home so we don't have to look at you.

We do a lot of bitching here at WeAreAssholes. I think I'll give some suggestions as to how to deal with the FuckTards when you encounter them in public.

People Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors - Guess what? The paparrazzi are going to figure out that it's you with or without your shades at the mall. Take 'em off dweeb. I think there should be a law that if you come across one of these cretins you should be allowed to punch them in the face, sending shards of tinted glass into their brains.

How to deal with them: Follow them around taking pictures with your phone asking them stupid TMZ questions while calling them Brad or Angelina.

Bluetooth Over-wearers - Ok. You're not Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing, Jack Bauer thwarting terrorists or a SWAT team member getting ready to storm a crack house. You're just out on Friday night for dinner. Take off the fucking Bluetooth. Leave it in the car. Douchebag.

How to deal with them: Make sure to stand next to them pretending to have your own important call while pressing your ear. Speak very loudly to drown out their own conversation. Preferably have the conversation geared toward your broker telling him to SELL! or BUY! your imaginary stock. Continue until they leave.

Pants-Down-To-Your-Ass Retards - This is EASILY the dumbest trend I've seen in the last 25 years. This beats out parachute pants, bermuda shorts and MC Hammer pants. The only way you can make this more retarded is if you were to wear them and you're white.

How to deal with them: If he is white politely let him know that his pants are down. If it's a black guy leave him alone. He probably has a gun.

Pro-life Protesters - When I was a kid my mother would drag  me to the anti-abortion walks (that probably explains why I'm so fucked up). I recall standing there looking up at the signs plastered with photos of shriveled, amputated dead fetuses and thinking "I'm missing Sigmund and the Sea Monsters for this?" 

How to deal with them: Blend in with the group with your own sign. Try one of the following:

 

Street Corner Panhandlers - OK. Times are tough. I get it. But I'm not going to give you my change because you walked down from the corner. I'm sure you've gone through some tough times and I'm sure that...Wait a fucking minute! You don't have a computer! Why the fuck am I apologizing?

How to deal with them: Ignore them like the heartless, apathetic prick you are. 

Now. I challenge all our readers (all 7 of you) to go forth and stop putting up with these idiots. Apply these suggestions every time you run across them. 

Do you have a better idea for how to deal with them. Let us know. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

-Darth

Dirty Darril - Drinking Jesus

So you are all wondering why Jesus is drinking and smoking a cigarette. Let me explain. Long ago, God created, sorry, that's too far back. I'm sure we all have heard the "let there be light" story. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and God gave his only begotten son...blah, blah blah so that we may have peace on Earth. What he did not know was that we were going to rape and murder and steal and lie for our own personal gain to the effect that our way of life has become nothing more than a sick and twisted rat race for a piece of cheese that by the time we get it, it's hard on the edges and half of it has to be cut away so now we still don't have enough.

Do you think that Jesus thought for one minute that there would be women cutting babies out of other women's stomachs? Or his own clergy jerking off little boys? What about the guys with the candy bars melting in their laps sitting by the playgrounds? Do you think he thought of slavery or world wars? Was Jim Backer a thought? How about Two Girls One Cup? Let's ask him if he thought about abortion (which by the way is next weeks story, so stay tuned). You already know that he didn't think about pollen. We obviously know that he thought out no plan for america because Obama is President. Of course I could be wrong, he did allow Clinton a blow job, that's heaven sent, but he did disguise his helping by making Monica ugly and stupid. Did we touch on David Koresh? Manson?, Falwell?, Rush?, And that purple fuck, Barney?

How could you create such a world of complete bliss and watch it turn into a great big pile of shit, and not pick up a couple of bad habits? By the way, should they be considered bad habits? If I mow the lawn, I reward myself with a beer. Can't imagine what I would do if I created the world! Maybe you people should look at yourself and ask what you have done to turn Jesus to drinking?

If you asked that last question to Jesus, maybe it's you I should be bitching at because you are the douchebags that keep this Jesus character alive so you have somebody to talk to when everyone else passes out!

Bottom line, Jesus drinks, smokes, does the occasional line.

AND

He surfs, watches porn, and jacks-off.

Your feelings hurt?

WHATEVER!

Call Dr. Phil, he's a dick, but at least he's real!

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I 'D"D' I
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Dirty Darril