Mother Fuckers I Can't Stand #3: Idiots in Public

All the following are dress habits or behaviors that define you as a douchebag in public. Just stay home so we don't have to look at you.

We do a lot of bitching here at WeAreAssholes. I think I'll give some suggestions as to how to deal with the FuckTards when you encounter them in public.

People Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors - Guess what? The paparrazzi are going to figure out that it's you with or without your shades at the mall. Take 'em off dweeb. I think there should be a law that if you come across one of these cretins you should be allowed to punch them in the face, sending shards of tinted glass into their brains.

How to deal with them: Follow them around taking pictures with your phone asking them stupid TMZ questions while calling them Brad or Angelina.

Bluetooth Over-wearers - Ok. You're not Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing, Jack Bauer thwarting terrorists or a SWAT team member getting ready to storm a crack house. You're just out on Friday night for dinner. Take off the fucking Bluetooth. Leave it in the car. Douchebag.

How to deal with them: Make sure to stand next to them pretending to have your own important call while pressing your ear. Speak very loudly to drown out their own conversation. Preferably have the conversation geared toward your broker telling him to SELL! or BUY! your imaginary stock. Continue until they leave.

Pants-Down-To-Your-Ass Retards - This is EASILY the dumbest trend I've seen in the last 25 years. This beats out parachute pants, bermuda shorts and MC Hammer pants. The only way you can make this more retarded is if you were to wear them and you're white.

How to deal with them: If he is white politely let him know that his pants are down. If it's a black guy leave him alone. He probably has a gun.

Pro-life Protesters - When I was a kid my mother would drag  me to the anti-abortion walks (that probably explains why I'm so fucked up). I recall standing there looking up at the signs plastered with photos of shriveled, amputated dead fetuses and thinking "I'm missing Sigmund and the Sea Monsters for this?" 

How to deal with them: Blend in with the group with your own sign. Try one of the following:

 

Street Corner Panhandlers - OK. Times are tough. I get it. But I'm not going to give you my change because you walked down from the corner. I'm sure you've gone through some tough times and I'm sure that...Wait a fucking minute! You don't have a computer! Why the fuck am I apologizing?

How to deal with them: Ignore them like the heartless, apathetic prick you are. 

Now. I challenge all our readers (all 7 of you) to go forth and stop putting up with these idiots. Apply these suggestions every time you run across them. 

Do you have a better idea for how to deal with them. Let us know. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

-Darth