People Drive Like Shit - The Introduction

I don't know about you, but I drive a lot. On the order of 25,000 to 35,000 miles per year. The majority of that is city, urban-cycle driving. I drive in all seasons, in all weather and at all times of the day, so I have encountered just about every driving scenario you can imagine over the last 24 years I've been licensed.

All of this experience has lead me to the conclusion that MOST PEOPLE CANNOT FUCKING DRIVE.

So I've decided to take out my frustration in prose, and do a series of articles on people's driving habits, recount for you my recent encounters with idiots on the street and help you better understand why we say the world is full of idiots.

Before I get started though there are a few parameters which should be outlined. First I feel that I need to explain to you my theory that there are only 3 types of people on the street (note I didn't call them all drivers since most of them are not really driving but pointing their cars).

Group 1 are probably the most common. They are what I call the Oblivious Idiots. They are simply concerned with getting from point A to point B and don't appear to have any cognizance that the rest of us are on the road with them. There are many variation of this type but most can be summarized by comparison to the dipshit I encountered last Thursday morning. I was following this guy in a old Lincoln Towncar down a busy two-lane county "highway". You know the type; windy, hilly, no curb or shoulder, lots of drive ways and side streets. Mr. Fuckeverybodyelse spent the majority of his trip straddling the center line,
with at least the left quarter of his car in the other lane and he did so at least 15 miles per hour under the post speed limits. That of course was between the times that he would randomly accelerate and exceed the speed limit, on many occasions on the curvier parts of the road, to only brake heavily and slow back down. He paid no attention and obviously carried no regard to the line of cars behind him that just wanted to travel at a consistent speed and not have to frequently experience near rear-enders all they way down the line of traffic, nor did he seem concerned about the motorist in the opposite lane since he rarely moved back into his own when they approached. His lack of regard was further illustrated as he left our shared path to continue on a different road in that he neither signaled when he exited nor did he yield to on-coming traffic.

Group 2 are a set of vehicle operators (again not drivers) that don't understand traffic flow. They want to drive either 15 miles per hour faster than everyone else, regardless of conditions; darting in and out of traffic only to end up at the same stop lights as the rest of us, or they want to drive 15 miles per hour slower than everyone else causing everyone to dart around them. Both are dangerous and a hazard to other motorists. If I were a psychologist, I would diagnose the first subgroup as Egocentric, Type A Narcissists with strong superiority complexed coupled with Attention Deficit Disorder. The second subgroup are likely passive/aggressive with control issues. Both, I think you would find, have no where to really go and simply enjoy being a nuisance.

The last group, Group C, has a much lower membership than the first two. It is made up of drivers (yes, drivers) that understand the ebb and flow of traffic, can manage to use their turn signals once in a while, know that you have to yield on a left turn without an arrow and drive down the lanes of a parking lot in the right direction at a reasonable and safe speed. Obviously there are very few of these drivers and in case you haven't already surmised I count myself as one of them. We are not perfect. We fuck up and cut you off but we will acknowledge the transgression with at least a feinted apology. Sometimes we go too fast but usually not in heavy traffic and if in traffic only to get out a cluster-fuck of group 1's and group 2's.

Now that I have laid out the driving types, lets review a couple more concepts that will be core to the discussion.

1) Speed limits are really just a suggestion. Remember that in our dumbed down culture, everything has to be tuned to the lowest common denominator. That being the case, the speed limit is there to tell dipshits like the "gun it and run" drivers in group 2 there they really should be when traffic is heavy or how fast the guy pulling a trailer full of lawn equipment should be going. As a general rule, 5-10 miles per hour over the posted limit is an acceptable clip, except in school zones. If you are not comfortable with that, MOVE TO THE RIGHT LANE.

Everyone know that the right lane is the slow lane. If you doubt it pay closer attention to the signs posted along the highways of this country, SLOWER TRAFFIC STAY RIGHT. Enough said.

2) Yellow neither means stomp on your fucking brakes nor punch it. Every driver should have a basic skill set that includes being able to evaluate your position in an intersection and the traffic conditions that surround you to determine where and when you need to stop during a yellow light. Way too many assholes now slam on their brakes because they are afraid of getting busted by a red-light camera. A near equal number just floor it at every yellow light, running about 50% of the reds that follow their yellow, because they are too important to stop like the rest of us. Don't be that idiot.

3) Center Turning Lanes are for just that purpose, turning onto or off of a lane. They are not acceleration lanes nor are they to be driven down to your next turn a half block away. Also a turning lane is to be used EVERY FUCKING TIME YOU GET OFF THE MAIN STREET TO TURN LEFT when they are available. No one is supposed to stop in the left lane to turn left across the turning lane.

There will be additions to this list of concepts in the ensuing weeks as I add to this series.

Thanks for reading and look for the next installment, People Drive Like Shit - Discourteous Idiots

With all due respect,