Ever Notice - Look At Me Assholes

I don't begrudge anyone the desire to stand out, to be heard above the din, to be less ordinary. There are many ways we can make our marks and raise our heads above the sea of the boring, mindless conformist that fill the elementary school lobbies and shopping mall, however few are genuine and unique enough to be successful. The level of failure varies with geography and demographics but there are a few that seem to permeate nearly every level of society.

The Noise Makers 

Loudness = Coolness, right? No, wrong. Completely and utterly fucking wrong. The fact that you deliberately modified your vehicle to produce more noise than was designed in order to get the innocent people that your piece of shit disturbed to turn their heads in your direction is proof enough that you are officially a douche bag does not go unnoticed.

There are numerous iteration of this prime example of Look-At-Me Assholes like The Biker otherwise known as the Weekend Harley Douche, The Drifter otherwise known as Rice Dick and The Monster Truck / Hot Rod Diesel Owner or as I like to call him Big Loud Pickup BOY. These guys all have one thing in common, if they had one more inch they'd be king, one less they'd be queens. Length challenged or as the medical community refers to it Micropenis.

Sorry guys, loud cars or bikes does not make girls think you have a big dick, they are all in on the joke and laughing at you as you pass.

As subset of these particular group is the Hummer Owner. If there was every another vehicle designed by and for people with Micropenis that more loudly screamed "Look at me, I paid $70,000 for a fucking Chevy Tahoe clad is queer plastic!", I can't think of it.

The 80's Called and They Want Their Mohawk Back

There is no reason to ever walk around sporting this look unless you just stepped out of a time machine and didn't know that the punk movement ended, 20 years ago or you're go to a Halloween party. These dipshits like many Look-At-Me Assholes think that by looking like some kind of sideshow freak they strike fear in to the hearts of everyone that unfortunately sets eyes on them. Truth is ass-face, that we all know that you can't fight, you still drive your mom's car and you really don't like that shit scream metal that you listen to.

You really should give this look up because it just draws attention to what a complete fucking waste of organic material you are. We'll come see you at the local record store, twenty years from now.  Loser.

And by the way don't get all bent up and confrontational when people look at you, isn't that what you wanted?

Surgery Queens

Men like tits.
We like them a lot.
Some of us like a handful, others more, few less.
No one likes tits so big that they have their own gravity, except maybe other women with similar emotional problems.

These sad bitches are probably the worst of the lot. Typically they are or were decent looking women but somewhere in their past they were looked over for a chick with a better set which, sets off years of mammary envy. Eventually they get up the money/nerve to get an enhancement and fall prey to additional insecurity by mistaking "bigger is better" is valuable and valid advise from their equally pathetic boyfriend who is typically 20 years their senior.

Big is good.
Humongous is just ridiculous and a complete turn off.

You could have just grocery shopped naked, if you wanted everyone that you walk passed to stop and stare. If you really think that the other moms at soccer practice are jealous you're as delusional as you are whorey because its not jealousy the brings the whispers and the sideways glances, its awe. The kind of awe that makes traffic come to a complete stop when a semi crashes into a loaded school bus on the opposite side of the highway.

I could go on, and perhaps one day I will. If you see anyone this idiots out don't fall into their trap. Don't look at them and surely they will wither and die like the social vampires they are.

With all due respect,
The Chief