OBSERVATIONS OF BUSCH STADIUM

Well, I went to a game at the new Busch stadium this last Saturday. New to me 'cause this is the first time I've been in it. I know, I'm not a good St. Louisan... Anyway, it would seem we had pretty good seats. 12th row, section 150. Right behind home plate. The game itself was the usual when I attend, they lost. The stadium itself is nice enough. I still think it's Goddamn humorous that it's 35' from highway 40! I also think it was a bunch of shit us tax payers got horn-swoggled into paying for this unnecessary expense! Not to mention having a big empty lot where some sportsman's paradise was supposed to go; Or what ever the fuck it was! Running out of funds weren't in the picture as I seem to remember being lied to about!

The biggest piece of bullshit to me is the fact that every 1-2 innings, some asshole would go into the crowd and ask 'TRIVIA'. The 'TRIVIA' consisted of questions about Six Flags!! So fucking what! You may say. Well, if I'm not mistaken, 43,000 people paid money to see a Base Ball game! Hell!! I think my buddy paid in excess of $100 for our seats! So in essence, I, and 42,999 other schmucks are paying to have Sick Fags, via proxy, advertise to us!! These 'Sheeple', willingly belly up to the challenge! In the hopes of the 15 minutes of fame hog wash! I know, I know, so what you say. Well.... I guess my societal blinders are broken!! Ignorance really is bliss I guess!! I can't just shut that shit off!! Or tune it out! I especially don't like the 'extras' being thrown in for my amusement! The 'product' being paid for is NOT the extemporaneous bullshit! Kinda like when you go to the movies nowadays... Hell!! you could be 20 fucking minutes late and probably still catch adverts!

"You're weird and outta sync", you say. Well let's use this logic.... Suppose our society felt, all of a sudden, that Porn billboards and adverts on the tube promoting pedophilia and torture were all the rage! I'll bet that would get some feathers ruffled! Parents would be outraged! Veterans would be up in arms! Lot's of people would be paying attention then! Wouldn't they?! Because that would cross too many societal morays! Get the picture? Or you still part of the 'Matrix'?

Spent too many nights in front of the 'Boob Tube' already? That's right.... You still like going to the mall to buy, and support your favorite malt beverage, at $24.99 a pop! Fuck it! YOU'LL do the advertising for them!!! And spend your hard earned cash to do it! SHEEPLE!!!!! BAAHHAAHAA..... 

Mother Fuckers I Can't Stand #3: Idiots in Public

All the following are dress habits or behaviors that define you as a douchebag in public. Just stay home so we don't have to look at you.

We do a lot of bitching here at WeAreAssholes. I think I'll give some suggestions as to how to deal with the FuckTards when you encounter them in public.

People Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors - Guess what? The paparrazzi are going to figure out that it's you with or without your shades at the mall. Take 'em off dweeb. I think there should be a law that if you come across one of these cretins you should be allowed to punch them in the face, sending shards of tinted glass into their brains.

How to deal with them: Follow them around taking pictures with your phone asking them stupid TMZ questions while calling them Brad or Angelina.

Bluetooth Over-wearers - Ok. You're not Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing, Jack Bauer thwarting terrorists or a SWAT team member getting ready to storm a crack house. You're just out on Friday night for dinner. Take off the fucking Bluetooth. Leave it in the car. Douchebag.

How to deal with them: Make sure to stand next to them pretending to have your own important call while pressing your ear. Speak very loudly to drown out their own conversation. Preferably have the conversation geared toward your broker telling him to SELL! or BUY! your imaginary stock. Continue until they leave.

Pants-Down-To-Your-Ass Retards - This is EASILY the dumbest trend I've seen in the last 25 years. This beats out parachute pants, bermuda shorts and MC Hammer pants. The only way you can make this more retarded is if you were to wear them and you're white.

How to deal with them: If he is white politely let him know that his pants are down. If it's a black guy leave him alone. He probably has a gun.

Pro-life Protesters - When I was a kid my mother would drag  me to the anti-abortion walks (that probably explains why I'm so fucked up). I recall standing there looking up at the signs plastered with photos of shriveled, amputated dead fetuses and thinking "I'm missing Sigmund and the Sea Monsters for this?" 

How to deal with them: Blend in with the group with your own sign. Try one of the following:

 

Street Corner Panhandlers - OK. Times are tough. I get it. But I'm not going to give you my change because you walked down from the corner. I'm sure you've gone through some tough times and I'm sure that...Wait a fucking minute! You don't have a computer! Why the fuck am I apologizing?

How to deal with them: Ignore them like the heartless, apathetic prick you are. 

Now. I challenge all our readers (all 7 of you) to go forth and stop putting up with these idiots. Apply these suggestions every time you run across them. 

Do you have a better idea for how to deal with them. Let us know. Or don't. I don't give a shit.

-Darth

Dirty Darril - Drinking Jesus

So you are all wondering why Jesus is drinking and smoking a cigarette. Let me explain. Long ago, God created, sorry, that's too far back. I'm sure we all have heard the "let there be light" story. Jesus died on the cross for our sins, and God gave his only begotten son...blah, blah blah so that we may have peace on Earth. What he did not know was that we were going to rape and murder and steal and lie for our own personal gain to the effect that our way of life has become nothing more than a sick and twisted rat race for a piece of cheese that by the time we get it, it's hard on the edges and half of it has to be cut away so now we still don't have enough.

Do you think that Jesus thought for one minute that there would be women cutting babies out of other women's stomachs? Or his own clergy jerking off little boys? What about the guys with the candy bars melting in their laps sitting by the playgrounds? Do you think he thought of slavery or world wars? Was Jim Backer a thought? How about Two Girls One Cup? Let's ask him if he thought about abortion (which by the way is next weeks story, so stay tuned). You already know that he didn't think about pollen. We obviously know that he thought out no plan for america because Obama is President. Of course I could be wrong, he did allow Clinton a blow job, that's heaven sent, but he did disguise his helping by making Monica ugly and stupid. Did we touch on David Koresh? Manson?, Falwell?, Rush?, And that purple fuck, Barney?

How could you create such a world of complete bliss and watch it turn into a great big pile of shit, and not pick up a couple of bad habits? By the way, should they be considered bad habits? If I mow the lawn, I reward myself with a beer. Can't imagine what I would do if I created the world! Maybe you people should look at yourself and ask what you have done to turn Jesus to drinking?

If you asked that last question to Jesus, maybe it's you I should be bitching at because you are the douchebags that keep this Jesus character alive so you have somebody to talk to when everyone else passes out!

Bottom line, Jesus drinks, smokes, does the occasional line.

AND

He surfs, watches porn, and jacks-off.

Your feelings hurt?

WHATEVER!

Call Dr. Phil, he's a dick, but at least he's real!

/\ __ /\
I 'D"D' I
\ --- /
V

Dirty Darril

Two Things That No One Likes

Other People's Kids and Other People's Dogs.

Come on you know I'm right. Of all the irritating shit we put up with everyday, in all the stupid, fucked up ways that the universe torments us, with all the gougingly demented methods at the unwitting disposal of the retarded masses that flood our streets, no two things are more universally disliked.

Other People's Kids
Probably the most frequent offender, other peoples kids are something that must be stopped. There needs to be laws protecting my right not to listen to stories about or be subjected to other people's kids. Kids in general are a pain in the ass, but sorry folks your kids are not:
1) Cute
2) Funny
3) Clever
4) Smart
5) Interesting
6) Unique
7) Talented
or Special. No they're not special no matter how many times you tell me about how great they were in their last hockey game or how many back flips she can do, no matter how many books he is reading right now or in what languages, no matter how big the laughs were at his retarded skit in the school talent show, I DON"T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR FUCKING KID!

Please don't tell me about how many boys call your house for your daughter. Nothing you can say makes that sound anything other than pervy. I don't want to hear about all the baseball tournaments your little pencil dick jocko-homo is going to be in this summer. I doesn't matter, he's still going to end up a fat, bald prick just like you. I DON"T CARE! SHUT UP ALREADY!

Other People's Dogs.
Or cows, cats, or horses or whatever. They're annoying. The stories about how your dog can say "outside" and how she brings you the morning paper and your slippers and your heroine needles are not interesting. They're boring. They're boring because you tell them all the fucking TIME!

Also, don't make me pet your fucking dog. I don't want to. I don't care that "sees gonna det her feewings hwurt if I don't". She is a dumb dog and all she knows is that humans rub on them and feed them. She doesn't care who does it. I don't really care that your cat never comes to strangers. It probably shouldn't anyway. Because strangers don't want fucking cat hair all over them!

While we are at it, don't pet my goddamn dog either. I don't need to hear about how much he likes you and how he's knows you now. Shut up. Its a fucking dog.

Leave your dog at home please. Don't bring it with you to Starbucks. We all know why you do it. You crave the attention. You're an asshole. The rest of us just want to drink our coffee and eat our sweet crap and be left alone. I don't need your 200 pound mountain lion/giant monster fucking dog sticking his wet nasty nose in my neck trying to eat my food. I also don't want to have to worry that your pitbull/doberman pincher is going to eat my kids either.

Then again, it can eat that other guy's kids though. They won't shut up anyway.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Anyone Surprised? - Chris Coleman Killed His Family

I screamed, "I fucking knew it!" When the news broke through to report that they had arrested Chris Coleman for the STRANGLING of his wife Sheri and their two sons Garrett and Gavin.

Who the hell didn't think he did it? But I know that my question is, how could you choke your sons to death? Fucking monster.

WeAreAssholes does not want anyone to think we are making light of this story. We are not. It's a travesty.

If this bastard (I almost used "asshole" but we don't want any cross associations) did it, which come on we all know he did, they need to get some big motherfucker like the Rock to come in and strangle him, over and over and over again.

So what do you think? Did he do it?

HOME WI-FI HELL

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a wi-fi connection. It's a decent speed from my ISP, I only use an Airport Express in WDS(bridge mode) piggy backing off of my mothers connection. She lives in the 'Mother-in-Law in the back yard, which is only 45 feet or so from my house. She also uses an Airport Express plugged directly into her SpeedStream router provided by her ISP. I have everything configured correctly sharing a single IP, proper ports open, both have the same newest firmware update, both on the same channel, and many other Geeky things I won't bore you with. The problem is this, intermittently I will have massive packet loss and sites won't load, so much so that it is starting to become a real issue! Yes, I have run some programs that detect other wi-fi connections, interference with those is not an issue. At least 6 channels seperate me from them. Both Airports have direct line of site. Hell! I've even changed my Quicktime streaming setting(a little known trick for boosting a Mac's connection to the host). I've spent countless hours on FAQ's and networking sites researching this!! Fuck! My wife would tell you that! She probably thinks I've gone a little cracked! More than usual even for this freak of nature!

So Fucking What!! You may say. That's of course If I haven't either, put you to sleep by now, or more likely you said to yourself, "lame, boring, maybe I'll eat that bullet I was considering the last time I had to take the rug-rats to Chucky Cheese", or you've already clicked off of this rant and are viewing your favorite porn, "Speed-Wanking it" as a friend of mine likes to say!

Well, GOOD RIDDANCE, this is only for the hard-core, stuper-geeks out there anyway! Go on! Go away! You might be missing Dynasty or That's Incredible or some shit! SHOO!!!............................................................................................................................................................................

Any body left? Ah well... This malarky ain't for your dumb asses anyway! This is fuckin' therapy man! (he needs some, dunnit he?)

Any way I have tried everything I can think of, and I just can't figure it out. I think it's probably the Illuminati! Or those nanobots that DARPA has been working on all these years! You know? The ones that when they start to replicate, planet Earth will be covered in gray nano-goo!! Fuck! Might even be those extra-dimensional 'Rods' I've seen shootin' around! Doing God knows what! I Fucking know whats doin' it!! It's all those fuckers tuning into" World's Greatest Stink-Dick!!" Yeah! or  "Slavivor"! They're the ones turning my connection to shit! That's it! I blame the "T.V. Babies". I know what I have to do now.......;-)

You know? Actually, there could be a perfectly rational explanation to all of this. I'm just not tech-savy enough! Fuck the Interweb anyway. 

                                                                                        

Reason #11 that The U.S. Media Is Completely Fucked

On Friday May 15th, the CDC and the United States Department of State issued a rescission of the travel advisory for U.S. citizens traveling to Mexico. The reason being that the Swine Flu (H1N1) has turned out to not be the pandemic, world killer, super flu that the media painted it to be.

But did you hear about it on the news? Did any of the local news programs run it every 15 minutes like they did when there were only 20 confirmed deaths in Mexico back on May 1st? No, of course not.

That's because its not scare to tell everyone is OK. It doesn't make people tune in out of fear of missing life or death information.

Our media system is completely out of control. I advocate hurting the first TV news report you see.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Mother Fuckers I Can't Stand #2 - People Who Don't Watch TV

Rant #2: People who don't watch TV

OK. So everybody knows one of these douche bags.

You're in a conversation with someone and you mention something on the news or what happened on your favorite show. They solemnly respond with "I don't watch television." When those words are uttered you usually have to step back for a second to figure out your response.

The best response is "Well, that's the best place to get your news, entertainment and to form a perspective on the outside world."

This is the best response because that is generally what they think of the general populous. Granted, it's true, most everyone watches TV for this inane reason. Television is full of crap like Catching up with the Kardashians, Real Housewives of Orange County or any show VH1 has on right now.

But I digress. I'm not here to rip on Television (That's another article altogether.) I'm here to rip on the fuckers who think they're better than everyone else because they don't watch it.

Usually these people read way too much and take everything they read FAR too seriously. As if everything written is true and unbiased.

Now, where is this conversation going to go when they claim they don't watch TV? Nowhere you want to go.

They usually want to steer the conversation to things you don't want any part of. Examples: Politics (liberal), Religion (any), current events (yesterday's events) or diet (vegan).

Every now and then you'll get the one that says the ultimate variation "I don't OWN a television." Why? Are you Amish? Where's your beard?

Another variation of these Anti-TV fucks is the one that doesn't watch TV but spends most of their time on the computer.

That's probably worse! OK. Think about it. Most people who watch TV right now own a Tivo or DVR of some sort. I fast forward through all the ads and get to the real garbage. If you're online you are exposed to WAY more advertising than you are TV. (Unless you're on our site. But that's not exactly intentional. We'll take ads from shit like Proactive, Nokia or the latest summer movie.) Anyway, if you don't own a TV but have a computer you're usually squandering your life away with Hulu (TV on your computer) or World of Warcraft (Dungeons and Dragons without the real-life interaction). The internet is just as bad for news as well. It may be updated quick but it has just the same amount of slant as everything else. Perhaps more.

In closing, if you're one of these douche bags don't admit at a party that you don't watch or own a TV. We will shun you and not invite you back. I don't think we TV-Watching Assholes should put up with you any further.

TV-Watching Assholes Unite!!

Wait, hold off on that, Lost in on...

Darth Taco

Dirty Darril Flys Home

So, I used to live in Detroit. The best way to get from there to St. Louis would be what? Fly! Yes, you are correct. You would think.
Listen to this bullshit.
This girl i know (which, by the way i had had LOTS of problems with, but that was in the past and we agreed to let all of that go.) called me and asked me if I would go to her company x-mas party with her. You know, why not?Party one night, see friends and family the next, home town. Sure. When?
I call the airlines and then I call her back and give her all of the info, since she will be picking me up at the airport. By the way this is pre 9/11. The next few days we talk back and forth about our upcoming weekend and I am actually looking forward to this. She is really excited, and you know what that means.




Day of flight. I travel down Hwy. 94 on my way to metro to catch my 10 am flight. I'm running a little late, but should be fine. I arrive at the horribly designed airport complex, park and wait for my shuttle to pick me up. And I wait. And wait. And wait. At this point I really can't do anything for this IS the pickup point. 22 minutes of which I didn't allow for has gone by. There is no way I will make this flight. The shuttle finally arrives and the only excuse this jack-off has for the delay is.... "that's why they tell you to get here earlier." They tell everybody that all because of you? interesting. I am now in the terminal. I stand in line to change my flight, surprisingly it goes pretty smooth. Now what? Hit the bar to waste my 3 hour delay, but first i call my ride to let her know that i will be late.
Of course, being a woman, she makes this into a bigger deal than it is, we will still have plenty of time to make this party. She's mad because she was at the airport already and I should have called earlier. Well, I'm sorry. I thought I would take care of business first so I had the new information at hand.
6 or 8 drinks later I head for the gate. while waiting for boarding to start I thought I should go ahead and take a piss first. I left my bag on the chair and went to the bathroom. There was this older lady that I had asked to watch my bag. When I returned the last selection of boarding numbers were in line and boarding. I grab my bag and start to walk toward the gate Then a security person stopped me. By me leaving my bag alone constitutes a bag search along with a series of questions. Remember my 6 or 8 drinks? Well this is not a time for stupid questions. Guess what? Looks like Darril is taking the next flight.
This will be a good phone call.
The next flight will put us having to go straight from the airport to the x-mas party. Which, by the way, was formal.
She is very upset with me now. I promise to sober up and tell her that during my wait I will change so that we can go straight there. We discuss where she will be to pick me up because she doesn't want to walk through the airport in a gown. "Please Darril, make that next plane." "Don't worry honey. See you then."
Of course, I missed the next plane.
And this is why:

The previous story was being told to her from my recliner as I sat drinking and laughing aloud by myself. You see, I never purchased a ticket. I made the excuses up for my own entertainment.
Do you know why?

Because she caused me alot of problems, and yes, we did agree to let it all go....
BUT...


I have trouble letting go, BITCH!

Simon Cowell - Because Adam Lambert Fagged Out U2

In case you missed it, last night Adam Lambert turned possibly one of the best alt-rock odes ever written, U2's "One", into a drag queen anthem. The story goes that Simon asked special permission from the band to use the song and at the last minute Bono called Simon and gave his blessing.

Bono, have you not been watching the show? Did you not realize that Adam was going to sing it like a black woman? Which would be cool, IF HE WERE A BLACK WOMAN!

Simon, are you kidding? No one is buying that you loved that performance. We all saw that grossed-out look / sideways glance you gave Paula.

So this eVite goes out to Simon. It's your fault that we had to sit there in our living rooms and watch your new Boy George cover U2. Simon we invite you to join with the other Celebrity Assholes. We are sure that they will understand that you can't always get it right and when you do by God don't let on that you were wrong.

Probably a lesser eVite should go to U2 for showing really poor judgement. Maybe Bono needs to buy a TV too.

No eVite for Adam Lambert though. Why? Because he did his thing and its not his fault that it made my skin crawl. I probably should get an eVite for even watching this show anymore.

A New Review For The Newly Redesigned Website......

Well, I Think I may have flogged this dead horse until it's turned to fucking glue! But, I've been reading a lot recently, and may as well fill the readers brains with the tripe I've been staring at!

This fine rag is of course called American Hardcore: A Tribal History. By Steven Blush. This book is, as one may or may not know, a pretty complete history of the American H/C Punk scene from the late 70's up through the late 80's. Which, by that time H/C was pretty much D.O.A., to use a punk band name. Of course, one might argue that Punk was dead as of the late 70's! Ahhh! But that would be a different flavor of Punk. You know, how people say Disco died circa 80-81? Only to have so many permutations of it crop up  in the latter 80's, 90's, 00's, that one could swear that if one walked into a club, one might think they had stepped into a time machine to Disco Hell!!! Don't believe me? Look at the fashions the Gen Yer's are so enamored with today. Shit most of the riffs I've heard sound just like the Giorgio Mororder synth arpeggiations that were being pumped out in the day!!! Like my funky Type face? Ya.. don't really know what happened right now? Let's just try and get through this in one piece tonight!!! Goddammit! Let's see you try and publish something this late at night, when you haven't been able to sleep well, and try and remain focused, and be somewhat lucid all at the same time! Fuck the type! Onward!!! This really is a who's who of the H/C scene written from it beginnings on the East Coast after an influx of the British Punkers known to hang in those parts, CBGB's and the like. It then takes a look at the burgeoning West Coast scene. Then like any good H/C'er that was not only a heavy part of the scene, but also a bit addled by copious amounts of drug use, he starts to skip around in between both coast's and in and out of sub-genera's. These range from the Elvis-esque, Horror Show trappings of the Misfits, to the Straight-Edgers, like Slap Shot,SS Decontrol, and Minor Threat. The amount of names this guy pulls up from the past were enough to make my head hurt! The author also spends a few chapters on some of the heavy hitters from the scene, Dead Kennedy's, Black Flag, Bad Brains, and D.I.Y., just to name a few. He stuffs this book with as many people that actually lived the action, as one could possibly imagine. Interviews, musings, and statements from the likes of Jello Biafra, Tesco Vee, Glenn Danzig, Hell...I think he even talks with Adam Yauch (yes, from the Beastie Boy's). They did, after all supposedly start out a punk band; Although if you've ever heard any of it, I would beg to differ! I don't know about anyone else, but this book was a walk down memory lane for me! Hell, It even made me go and search out some of those long forgotten gem's I've missed all these years! I know.... You were probably wanking it to Michael Jackoff, or probably trying to score some trim listening to Rick Astley. No! I got it, you were trying to be 'Like a Virgin' and 'Passing a Duchie on the Left Hand Side'. Or some other form of mass-suckitude!

Get it! Read it! I dare ya!

th

Review: Arcade Amusements Plus

So, I'm in Kirkwood one afternoon and I walk by Arcade Amusements Plus. It Buys/Sells/Trades Arcade Games, Pinball Machines, Juke Boxes and Die Cast Cars(?).

I have an Arcade Game in my bar that I've grown tired of and I would like to sell or trade it. I decide to give them a call. If they're not interested maybe I can get an idea of what it's worth.

Ring Ring Ring

Arcade Amusements Plus: Arcade Amusements.

Darth Taco: Yes, I have an old 3-player stand-up Rampage game. I'm looking into selling or trading it.

AAP: Which one is it? Does it have characters on the side or is it black with "Midway" and green stripes.

DT: Midway with green stripes.

AAP: What kind of shape is it in? Does the screen work?

DT: It's not too bad considering how old it is. All controllers and buttons work and there is a slight "game over" burn-in on the screen. It plays just fine.

AAP: Do you have an idea of how much you want for it?

DT: Not really. I've researched it on-line and I've seen them on eBay for anywhere between $500-$2000. I'm more interested in just trading. I don't really care about the money.

AAP: Well, (now, read the following in your best Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons voice) that game originally sold for $3500 new in the 80s...

DT: Wow. Crazy.

AAP: ...there was a more rare version of it with the characters on the side. That one is worth more. How much do you want for it?

DT: Well. I don't know. $500-$600. I'm more interested in trading it in. I've had it for a couple years and I've just grown tired of it and so have my friends. I'd really like to trade it in for a Ms. Pac-Man/Galaga or something.

AAP: Good luck with that.

DT: Excuse me?

AAP: Good luck with that. I've bought 2 of those before for $50 each.

DT: Wow. No reason to get snide.

AAP: Well you're calling me wanting $3000 or $4000 for a machine.

DT: $3000 or ? What? I said $500-$600. I'm just trying to see about trading in my machine. I'd like something else and I'm trying to see what my options are. I don't see why you have to get snotty. I'm not trying to rip you off or anything. I'm just calling you to see if we could do business or at the very least maybe get some advice and you. I don't appreciate you getting all snotty on me. What if my primary goal was to sell my machine AND buy another machine, a juke box, or a Die Cast Car? I'll take my die cast car business elsewhere...Hello? Hello?

I think he hung up on me after I called him out on being snotty. Nice customer service guys.

Jamie Foxx is a Musician?

Its official. The musical heart and soul of our culture has cancer. Its name is hip-hop and its being spread by posers like this asshole.

Jamie Foxx thinks that he is a legitimate musician. Really? Jamie are you sure, because the last time I checked musicians have to be able to actually play an instrument or sing and usually are able to write their own songs. They don't usually need a feature-cretan to rap a bunch of bullshit to sell their record or have a producer program their entire record. The guys that do that are the actual musicians. Jamie and his ilk are sort of like general contractors putting all the talent together and taking the credit.

Now I'm sure Jamie, you want to take credit for all of your relative success but did you write Georgia On My Mind? No. Did you write any of that tripe that we hear on the radio? No, well except the latest bit of hip-hop vomit Blame It, but do you really want credit for it?

"Blame it on the Goose (goose)
Got you feeling loose (loose)
Blame it on Petron ('tron)
Got you in the zone (zone)
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-a-a-alcohol"

Really? Is that what you tell your daughter when she goes out? Just curious.

Yes I know he played Ray Charles and he played the piano and sang in the movie, I just don't think that plunking a few three note chords on the piano and doing an impersonation counts. You don't really think that any of the shots of "Ray" playing were actually Jamie Foxx do you? Well if you do you should probably read the latest post on Intelligent Design too. Gotta believe in something I guess.

Yeah he can sing, a little, but is he really a musician? No I don't think so. Not anymore so than Homer Simpson is a food critic.

I included this picture merely for the fact that he looks like a douche. Love it.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

No Intellegent Design Here

Ah, Religion!

Gotta love it. And you have to love people who believe in things that they can't explain or understand. You have to love them like you love a small child who makes up a story about a rabbit that knocked over the milk jug to explain why it spilled. You have to love them, but you don't have to put up with them.

I sat in my car this morning, sniffling due to seasonal allergies. I watched the oak pollen blow over the hood of my car like a yellow wave of irritation and I thought about how we are all part of nature and the ecosystem. I thought about how pollen blows around the planet and how pollen is a necessary part of our food chain and how important pollinators like bees are.

Then I thought, "hmm, if god created everything under an intelligent design, why would that design include allergies?" "If a supreme intelligence sat down and planned out this whole fucking mess, why would it include something like allergies when it knows that it's using something like pollen?" "What possible divine purpose could allergies have?"

Then I remembered, I am merely human and cannot understand god's plan.

Umm, does anyone here smell bullshit? I do.

I may not have the omniscience to understand a divinely laid out design for an entire ecosystem, but I do understand common sense and basic design. Basic design theory states that every component of a system must work with every other component in a way that benefits the whole without jeopardizing the component. Simple. So if pollen was a necessary part of gods plan, he forgot this law of design because the pollen fucking irritates me. I am part of the system. Common sense tells us that when you create a system make sure that it works without interfering with other important systems. Again pollen=irritate.

From this 45 second stream of consciousness at a stoplight at Highway 109 and Highway 44, I drew 2 possible explanations; 1) God likes fucking with us or 2)There was No Intelligent Design Here.

With All Due Respect,
The Chief

Dirty Darril Needs Milk

So I'm at the local grocery store.I only need a gallon of milk.I've just had a very strenuous 12-hour day. My goal is to get in and out of there as quickly as possible so I can get home and relax.
So I trudge all the way to the back of the store, grab my milk and proceed to the front.What's the quickest way to get out? Of course, the Cash Only 10-Items-or-Less line.That's what you would think. But NO!I get in line. There is one woman in front of me. Should only take a minute.
After more than 10 beeps from the checker's scanner I start counting the items she is purchasing. Grand total? 32 items.We're not talking packs of gum or peanuts. We're talking produce, liters of soda, frozen dinners, canned goods.I start counting out loud, "15!" *BEEP* "16!" *BEEP*"17!" *BEEP* "18!"*BEEP* "19!" *BEEP* "20!"*BEEP* "21!" *BEEP* "22!" "What the fuck!?"The clerk says, "Excuse me sir. Do you have a problem?"
"No. You have a problem. You're fucking letting people come through this line with more items than the should." "Aren't you a Ten-Items-or-Less, Cash Only checkout?"
"Well, it doesn't really matter at this time of night, SIR."
"Well, you know what, I come in here just to get my milk and I have stand for this bullshit while you let it go on? This is your job."The 32-item lady turns to me, "I'll be right out of here." Then she takes out her checkbook. Her mother fucking checkbook.I say, "Mother Fucker! You've GOT to be fucking kidding me!" "Do you see the CASH ONLY sign, lady?!!?"The clerk says, "SIR. Can you relax a little?" "We don't need that type of language in here."
"Are you fucking out of your fucking mind?" "You're going to correct me while you're the one not doing your fucking job?" "I have to stand behind this fucking CUNT while she writes a fucking check in a Goddamn CASH lane?"
"Fuck You"
"Sir. You will not be able to check out at this store. Really? Fuck you and this fucking store."
Without breaking eye contact I fling my precious gallon of milk over my shoulder and give the fuck-you finger to the cunt who couldn't do her job properly in the first place.As I strolled from the lane to the exit door. Hearing gasps and whispers (and the gallon milk landing far away) the security guard walks towards me as I leave the store."You have no idea what kind of day I had. Don't fuck with me."He walked off. Face down.
Four days later I needed a loaf of bread and they wouldn't let me in.It sucked. That was the closest grocery store to my house.