Shit that Doesn't Work Like Its Supposed To

I have no doubt that everyone that reads this can relate to this particular post. You may not get my irritation over the anti-cellphone-use-while-driving movement or Angry Brady's complaint about joggers, but who has not felt their body temperature rise to near solar levels after spending hours dicking with some bit of software or piece of electronics or "build it yourself" desk that does not work like its supposed to.

Over the years I have thrown my weed-eater into the street after jerking the goddamn pull rope for twenty minute; screamed at a drawer slide that would not slide and nearly killed myself trying to get a surround system to make a fucking peep. So I know that there are things out there that refuse to work.


The past couple of days I have spent hours trying to get our blogs to show the comments you may leave directly under the posts on the main page. I have Googled every iteration of "comments on main page blogger" that I can come up with. I have spent the last 3 hours fucking with this, using every recommended hack that blogger users have posted, even the ones that the "expert" users have suggested and I'm sorry but IT WILL NOT FUCKING WORK!!!! (I need the double caps key again).


My question is, why does it seem that some things just will not work like their supposed to? Why are there so many things that claim to do X but never will no matter what hoop you jump through. Do you have a Tivo? Have you ever set up a Season Pass that periodically doesn't record the stupid show you so desperately need to see? Why does it do that? Is it some kind of bullshit joke that the Tivo-Assholes Easter-egg into the Tivo interface or is it gods way of telling you to get off the couch? How about those apple corer pealer slicer things? Only maybe 1 in 5 apples actually comes out pealed and sliced and not a sticky nasty pile of apple shit. How about universal remotes controls? I have at least twice in the last 5 years tried to program a universal remote to control a TV or DVD player that was definitely made in the last 5 years and no matter how many codes I entered the goddamn things would not work. It's as if the TV didn't exist or was built with a remote code that no one knows. Or course it's always the one that I own and when I call the remote people they just don't know what to tell me. They'll ask, are you sure its a Panasonic, as if I can't fucking read.


It's generally accepted that humans naturally attach human characteristics to inanimate object; for example asking the DVD player why it won't spit out the disc and on some level truely expecting it to respond "because I don't feel like it fucker!" So I suggest that when you are arguing with your computer, with Micro$oft Word or with your garage door opener remote ask it "Why are you fucking with me?" and see if you get don't get that same blank stare that you get from the idiot that forgot to give you your straw at the drive-thru. Because it IS thinking, believe it!


Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work


With all due respect,
The Chief