Hey Ladies, Could You Grow Up a Bit?

Gentlemen, I'm sure you've noticed a trend among the fairer sex that has become a source of piqued irritation, at least to me. Why has it become acceptable for women to shout, moan, slurp or squeal and clap like they're 12 year old girls when a good looking guy is mentioned or on TV or in a movie. As I recall this is a behavior for which we have been criticized and condemned for years. When we make a comment about a woman's appearance or sexiness we are called sexist, pigs, disgusting and crude, but apparently its all right for them. If you are unsure of what I am referring let me give you a couple anecdotes.

A couple nights ago a friend's wife, who will remain nameless but will no doubt read this, forced her husband to watch a segment of American Idol over and over again so that she could shoot a picture of one of the guys with her iPhone.

My secretary a few years ago could not stop moaning and groaning about Gavin Degraw, to the point that other people in the office asked me who the hell she was so worked up about.

A friend of mine rarely makes it through a discussion about a movie or television show without mentioning how hot one of the guys in the show is. Usually these mentions are very much tourettes-like for example, "Hey have you seen Shutter Island yet, its really good?" "No I saw the preview but wasn't sure what it was about, GodLeonardoIsHot!"

Kara DioGuardi on American Idol calling the dude with the long hair in the above picture "eye candy".

Now before you say something idiotic like, "oh you're just jealous" or "you do it too," let me stop you. I'm not jealous, not a bit. I'm pretty secure and rarely feel threatened by other men, and why on earth would I be threatened if my friend's wife is into some dude on American Idol? As far as the cross-accusation, forget it. One thing I learned from watching my dad as a kid and most men from his generation was that piggish ogling is both embarrassing for the people you are around and humiliating to the person being ogled. It's not my style and I call my friends on it when I see it which is rare.

This school-girl bullshit behavior irritates me because if we talked about how hot Blake Lively and Leighton Meester are or that Angelina Jolie is a piece of ass, and believe me she is extremely fuckable, they would start spitting about how those girls are too young or that "she has fake boobs" and that Angelinas a whore and a nut and a tattooed freak and that she was a home-wreaker.

I can promise you that if you were to mention that you'd like to see that chic in Avatar naked without the blue skin in the middle of your wife and her girlfriends talking about how good the movies was, they would loose their goddamn minds and you'd be the biggest piece of shit, horny pig who wasn't getting any that there ever was.

Doubt me? Give it a try and see what they say.

My point is ladies if you're reading this, knock it the fuck off because if you don't we're going to start reminding you why those girls are movies stars and you're not.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Tiger Woods - 2nd Candidate for Biggest Idiot of 2010

He Doesn't Look That Sorry.


"Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, or worked with me, or supported me, and now, every one of you has good reason to be critical of me." Now could one of you get me a fucking glass of water and a Valium?

Tiger tried very hard to pull this pathetic mea culpa off, but to me and I think to thousands of people that quite frankly aren't fucking idiots, he came off poorly prepared, sticky-mouthed and sounding a bit desperate. It seemed like he was reading the speech for the first time, and his delivery made me question whether he was ever properly educated. He sounded a bit like a third grader reading a report in front of the class for the first time. Granted he was reading an apology for screwing a couple dozen women behind his wife's back, but still you'd think his people would have rehearsed him a bit.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 not because he fucked around on his wife, to the contrary, I am not at all offended by his infidelity. I can't say I am at all surprised or concerned. His wife should not be surprised either, and I bet if you got her alone she'd confess the same. As a matter of fact, I bet you can't find more than a handful of professional athletes that aren't screwing everything that walks by, its part and parcel with fame. I'm not saying its right though, for me cheating is about is shitty a thing a person can do. If you want to fuck other people don't get married. If you get married and realize you want to fuck other people, either tell your spouse that you want to fuck other people and deal with the consequences, join Ashely Madison or start whacking to internet porn like everyone else.

I am nominating Tiger for Biggest Idiot for 2010 because of this apology and its shear lame-itude. Who wrote this babbling crap? Why aren't his people teaching him how to speak in front of camera? Why is he allowing himself to be further humiliated by this witch-hunt? Does he need the money? Doubt it, in 2009 his earnings were estimated at a cool $1 billion. Does he really think that his arctic queen Eilin is going stay with him after this embarrassment and not take him for hundreds of millions of dollars? He couldn't be that stupid, or could he? He is trying to tell us with cotton-mouth that he feels really bad after screwing around with about 20 different women while saying that he knew it was wrong, all the while looking around the room like a rat. He then tell us that he is a sex addict and that he was receiving inpatient therapy. Come on, inpatient therapy? Give me a break, what did they do make you watch porn with your hands tied to the bed all day, or show you those pictures of really obese women that you see in birthday cards? No one is buying the addiction angle, unless they're addicts themselves. Addicts think we are all addicts.

Another reason Tiger is getting this nomination is that he poorly played the religion card. If he really wanted to turn this thing around quickly and get Fox News and all the other zealots behind him instead of calling for his head (on the same phones they call their drug dealers with, right Rush?) he should have said something like, "And in this time of great personal struggle, voice called to me in the night and it was Jesus. Jesus told me that he loved me and that everything would now be alright and I knew it would because Jesus has forgiven me."

But no! Tigger (spelling intended) totally fucks this opportunity up by reminding everyone that he's a Buddhist. Really stupid Tiger, because what you and all those dipshits writing your speeches seemed to have missed is that all the people that are coming down on you now are Christians. The rest of us don't give a shit about your sexual transgressions. All the idiots that watch you on the course and tell their kids that they should look up to you like a nine iron wielding black Jesus are Christians.

One thing Christians don't like is other religions, especially ones that don't require a bunch of guilt or begin for forgiveness.

So here is our 2nd nominee, Tiger Woods. May he continue to wiggle like a worm so we have more shit to write about.

With all due respect,
The Chief

Mardi Gross

Every now and then I must venture out of my secret hidden base and mingle amongst the plebeians of society. This provides a great cover to those who I wish not to know my world domination plans.
I did this very thing on February 13th. Met at friend's house at 8:30a.m., followed them to their friend's house in Soulard. Made beignet's, drank mimosas and bloody marys, mingled.
At approximately 11:15 we decide to venture out and check out the festivities, hurricanes in hand. We get about 500 feet from the house and I capture this Mardi Gras magic:

It's 11:20 in the morning.

For those of you who are not local to St. Louis I'll fill you in on the Soulard Mardi Gras. It's the second biggest Mardi Gras celebration in the world. Second only to New Orleans. Like most people (including the people who attend) you probably don't even know what they're celebrating.I could do a bunch of research but I'm lazy. I think it has something to do with that Lent BS and everyone does it up the weekend before Lent and Fat Tuesday happens the day before Ash Wednesday and blah blah blah who cares.

Anyway, Soulard Mardi Gras is pretty gigantic and it seems to be growing exponentially every year.
It is the ultimate amateur hour. I would say the average age of those attending is probably between 20-30 with the occasional 30-50 year-old sprinkled about. AND of course you have your 50+ crowd who should not be there. Really, anyone with any sense should not be there. It is ridiculous.
Unless of course, you enjoy public intoxication, really loud morons puking everywhere and passing out. If this is your thing have at it.
The only thing that is not a drawback are the titties. They are usually popping out left and right for beads or just because the crowd demands it. This was not as prevalent this year because of the 30 degree weather. Which begged me to ask the question: What's the point?

Despite the gigantic, ever-growing crowd this year. The arrests and citations were somewhat minimal:
* 68 Minors in Possession of Alcohol
* 17 Urinating in Public
* 12 False Identification
* 4 DUI's
* 4 Supplying Alcohol to Minor
* 3 General Peace Disturbance
* 2 Resisting Arrest
* 2 Assault on a Law Enforcement Officer (an officer was punched and an officer was spit on while attempting to take a man into custody)
* 1 Selling Liquor without a License
* 1 3rd Degree Assault (a man got into a fight with a friend and punched him)
* 1 Property Damage (a man got into a fight at a friend's Soulard home and damaged a window at the home)
* 1 Marijuana Possession

Pretty tame if you ask me. What does the above list tell you? There weren't that many cops there.

My advice: If you want to celebrate Mardi Gras have your own party. Invite your friends over. Get everyone stupid drunk. At least make sure some of them are going to get their titties out. Then have them get the fuck out of your house when you're sick of them. (Call a cab of course.)


-Darth

We Are the...WTF?!!?

Did you hear the news?
They are going to redo "We Are The World".
Who are "They?" Some of the same Celebretards from 1985 who recorded the original PLUS some new Celebretards from our present day!
The people behind the original included Quincy Jones, Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Billy Joel, Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper and Diana Ross. Just to name a few.
Harry Belafonte was the guy who came up with the idea for this POS. We all know what kind of douchebag he's turned into.
Anyway, it's getting remade.
Here's a short list of the "talent" on the new one:
Jamie Foxx, Usher, Lil Wayne, Wyclef Jean, Josh Groban, Will.I.Am, T-Pain, Kanye West, LL Cool J, Snoop Dogg, Busta Rhymes, Barbra Streisand, Carlos Santana, Natalie Cole, BeBe Winans, Harry Connick Jr., Earth, Wind & Fire, Brian Wilson, Tony Bennett, Randy Jackson, Celine Dion, Gladys Knight, Jeff Bridges, Vince Vaughn, Nicole Richie, Rashida Jones, Akon, Brandy, Katharine McPhee and Justin Bieber.
This is going to suck. Even MORE than the original and the original was a total piece of crap. Anyone who thinks back to the original with fond memories is a moron.
Sure, there were a couple good artists in the original lineup but they couldn't save this contrived drivel.
I predict this to be the most obnoxious song of 2010. Anyone who admits to liking this song should be punched in the face. I haven't even heard it and I know it's going to be horrid and you should know it too.
Now, let's review some of the talent on the new one.
First, we've got these utterly terrible "artists" performing that BARELY sing: Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (isn't he in jail?), T-Pain, Kanye West? Has T-Pain done anything that isn't Autotoned? Snoop? He's funny. That's it.
Then we have the true Celebretards:
Nicole Richie & Rashida Jones- Why are they there? Because their dads were there for the first one?
Jeff Bridges - He plays a blues singer in his new movie. I get it. But is that reason enough to get involved with this?
VInce Vaughn - WTF? Is he just there to pick up some beautiful babies?
You know what would be awesome. If there was a We Are The World Serial Killer. He would one by one knock off everyone on this list of contributors. Kanye first of course.
OK. So it's for a good cause: Helping out the victims of Haiti. I get it. I'm willing to give money just so this isn't released.


-Darth

Hey Idiots, it's Valentine's Day!

Once again it's time for you pussy-whipped retards to buy candy, cards and flowers for your sweeties.
Or else. You are in the doghouse. Not getting any.
This is the general consensus of everyone out there. Everyone wants to know what you're getting your girlfriend or wife for February 14th.
What should your answer be? Nothing.
What are the consequences? Nothing.
Should we go on about the principal of not conforming to what the over-exposed consumerism of our society tells us to do?
Nah.
Should we instead love our partners every day of the year and tell them we love them more often and not just go spend money on all that sh*t they expect you to get for them out of some sick peer-pressure?
Nope.
Should we celebrate the fact that we are once again hijacking a Christian holiday for our own silly purposes?
You got it.
For all of us who were unfortunate to be raised Catholic we remember this holiday as SAINT Valentine's Day.
That's something most of you have not ever heard.
See, the day was set aside to observe St. Valentine. Some believe St. Valentine was a martyr in ancient Rome who married couples despite marriage being forbidden by Emperor Claudius II.
As most Roman Emperors (and Popes) tend to be power-abusing pricks, Claudius had Valentine arrested, imprisoned, beaten and beheaded. It was later decided to make him a saint.
Of course there are other theories on how Valentine's Day started. Was it a pagan holiday (Lupercalia) hijacked by the Catholic Church? Were there more than one St. Valentine? Did the imprisoned version pass "Valentine" notes to his lover while behind bars?
Who knows?
We're not history teachers, you idiots.
One thing is for certain: we love to see holidays taken away and replaced with reasons to get gifts, drunk and laid. If it's a religious holiday. Even better. Just look at St. Patrick's Day. Do any of you know who St. Patrick was? Do you know that you should be wearing green and drinking Guinness?
Just as I thought.
Look, we've already replaced the resurrected Jesus thing with a giant bunny that distributes colorful eggs.
Hell, we've even swiped Mexican Independence Day as our own day to drink Corona's and eat (and eventually vomit) nachos.
I say we start taking over Kwaanza next. Let's make it a reason to call in to work the next day because, well, you know, it WAS Kwaanza yesterday and I'm still drunk from the Colt 45s we downed while contemplating the wisdom of Billy Dee Williams.

Anyway, the Catholic church no longer recognizes Valentine's Day as a holiday.
Was it the massacre or just the candy and cards?
One down. Just a few more to go...

--Darth

Superbowl Half Time Show Sucked, I Told You It Would

Did you catch the 12 minutes of god-awful full force suck-tude that the Who perpetrated during the Superbowl Half Time Show? If not let me lay it out for you.

1. Roger Daltrey can't sing. Not a friggin' note! He screamed 80% of the crap he "sang". He's too old and his voice is shot I guess, though I'm not sure if he ever could sing.
2. Pete Townsend is just plain creepy looking. Personally his guitar playing has never been my thing, but now he's so "creepy old man" looking that all I could do was look at him and think, what the hell is that old pedophile doing on stage?
3. The laser light show that was going on was very high-tech, if today was February 8, 1990.
4. These songs (Pinball Wizard, Baba O'Reilly, Won't Get Fooled Again) are so dated. Pinball Wizard? I'll bet half the people watching the game have never played pinball.
5. These guys are old. Really old and they came off kind of sad. I'm not sure how the Stones do it, but the Who doesn't.

At least the NFL didn't actually pay the Who for their performance, they did it for free. Not sure why, maybe they had a crystal ball and saw how bad they were going to be.


Now the Half Time Show also includes the think-necked mental Special Olympics where the four commentators, James Brown, Dan Marino, Bill Cowher, Shannon Sharpe and Boomer Esiason all talk over each other, trying as hard as possible to get air-time and to get in a stupid pun or bad analogue. 


This year they had Shannon Sharpe who must have had a bag of marbles in his mouth. He was almost unintelligible. Since I'm not in the television production business I'm not certain but, I would think it might be helpful to listen to  the commentators talk before you actually put them on TV.


Overall the half time show was just what I expected, Sh!T. Just like every other year. You'd think the NFL could pull this thing together for once.


Good game though. I was thrilled to see the face of Payton Manning in complete disgust, near tears. I love it when the pedestal is knocked out from underneath the celebrated.


With all due respect,
The Chief

Not Everyone Gives a Sh!T about the Superbowl

Listen, you might be excited that the Superbowl is this weekend; you might be stoked for the commercials; you might be excited to drink yourself into actually thinking you should be commentating instead of whatever that fat guy's name is; you might be making plans to take off on Monday because you already know you'll be hung over.

But not everyone gives a shit about the Superbowl.

In fact, a lot of people don't. Myself included.

I only like football when my team is winning and when I say my team I mean the team that plays out of my home city. I by no means clam the f*cking Rams, but unless they are winning, I don't give two rats asses about football. So since the Ram's aren't going to the Superbowl, I don't give a damn about it. Sorry.

There are many things about sports fans that I find both repugnant and fascinating like;
- feeling the need to memorize completely unimportant statistics about players, don't you have anything better to do with your time and brain? Its not like there is any major pay off to know all that bullsh!t anyway. The NFL is not likely to send you a check for knowing the average number of yards per reception that Ochocinco recorded last season versus the season before. All I've even seen this kind of brain-waste do is prevent you from remembering important stuff like your kids' birthdays or to renew your license plate.

- explaining why a play didn't work to the guys sitting next to you as you suck down you fifth beer. Wasn't he is watching the same TV you are. Are you sure you know what your talking about since your sitting on your ass watching the game and not out on the field couching it? Shut up already!

- swearing that the officials are against whatever team you are rooting for. What would be the point in screwing your guys up? The officials don't make your team do the stupid sh!t they do! They are just calling them on it. Besides what in it for them anyway? Do you think there's some kind of clandestine "how many bad calls can we get away with" pool or something?

I realize there is more to the Superbowl than the game. People keep telling me that they are going to watch it "for the commercials" or "for the half time show".

Whatever.

The commercials aren't a one time thing idiots. The advertisers don't spend that kind of money on a one shot deal. And if you really have to see the latest is brainwashing advertising, go to youtube and pull up the ads. The people that sit through the game just to see the commercials are likely the same idiots that stand in line outside of Walmart on Black Friday. They'll sit through anything, likely because they have nothing better to do.

I've watched my share of Superbowl half times. Actually a total of 3. They were all horrible. When they try to get to many people up on stage at one time it makes me nuts. Take the 2004 half time when Janet Jackson gave us the infamous nipple shot. There were like 20 people on the goddamn stage and I missed the tit. Completely and we were at some friend's house who didn't have a DVR so I complete missed it. And aside from Janet's tits, the rest of the show was a big cluster f*ck of performers all trying to figure out what they were doing.

Or take the following year with Prince. Prince? For the Superbowl? Seems like an odd choice to me, a 95 pound, long haired, high-pitched singing little dude up on stage performing for a bunch of what are assumed to be manly men since they watch football.

Nevermind the endless interruptions to tell you that the half time show is going to start, then they cut to a commercial and back to commentators then a commercial, then to a bumper that the show is going to star, then a commercial...

Sorry I just don't get it.

But if you do, great go have fun. Just don't tell me about it on Monday, because I don't care.

With all due respect,
The Chief

My Recent and Very Likely Brief FB Experiences(EDIT! NO LONGER EXISTENT EXPERIENCE)

So... Where do I begin? How about this. I'll start from the beginning of this situation. I got an app for my phone that seemed really cool at the time. It allowed me to shoot live feed video from my phone. The main drawback being the fact that I would have to use their feed. Where this feed went and what kind of usability/storage did it have? I knew none of these questions. The other option I had was to sign up for a Flake Book account. Both options were unsettling to me. Go with an unknown service, designed by unknown engineers, sent to an unknown server, or sign up for the Fecal Book account. You know... A saner man would probably have said THIS APP IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT, and throw it out! Well, Brady gets to deal with what Brady has. I remained focused laser-like, ard, beneshiply, gog and magog, on having this damn app and getting it up and running A.S.A.P.!!! Stupidly, me thinks't, I signed up for Fart Book. In my defense, I used a junk e-mail account I possess, and went to work. I was almost immediately gripped by the fact, with what very little true info I filled in, people I know were being suggested to me as friends! I knew this from an intellectual standpoint, but it still amazes me the technology that is used today, to cull whatever minute information one enters in. Very quickly I started getting in contact with people I haven't seen or heard from in, in some cases 20 years. Frig Book had sunk it's claws in deep into that part of the brain that cares not of right or wrong, of kill or be killed, fuck or be fucked, The Lizard Brain, the Limbic System, the Amygdala, the Pons what have you. Against my better judgement I found myself digging deeper into this social networking phenomenon, most of the time feeling like a brain shower was direly in need!!!

Skip forward to today. I log on to this thing, this ever growing compulsion that goes against every fiber of my being, and start checking live feeds and friends updates. I come across a posting from one of those friends that states something to the effect and I'm going to paraphrase here... 'Attention everybody someone told me that everyone needs to go to their settings and open their block list. Type in Automator (something), and you'll get a list of people that you don't know that may be spying on you! Check and delete them.'I did some snooping and prodding and ascertained that this is the automation script that Frau Blooka uses to do its magic. I advised my friend of this and made some statements, half jokingly, half seriously that it would be very humorous to me if everybody did just that! It would have to be called Nobody Book! That's not really the crux of this tale and is of little consequence in itself. I went about my business for some time...

The compulsion came strongly to check in once again. I logged on looked around a bit and noticed something was missing... The post from my friend had disappeared, at which time I decided to send a text asking if she decided to take it down. I would if someone had given me a logical explanation of what that Automator script really did. Some time went by and I get the response: NO I DID NOT (paraphrasing again). Another textervation in sues, double checking that she's not joking. She's not and deadly serious about it. Angry's interest is piqued. A violation of the TOS!? You know, the thing NOBODY except me reads!! 9000 words of pure legalese and mind-numbing jargon isn't on the top of everyones best seller list I know, but DAMNED important if your going to use someones product, that most people are going to put ALL of their real, identifiable, and private information in and never think twice about! At the same time, GOD I can hardly believe I'm gonna say this, this company that is releasing software free for use, the right to ask for whatever rules it decides it wants, however grey or difficult to understand or stupid, to be followed. Hence the Terms of Service agreement that seems to even come with a fucking Happy Meal nowadays!! THAT WAS EXTREMELY HARD FOR ME TO GET OUT. 

Now things really start rockin'! Friends start leaving posts about "Big Brother","free speech is dead", yada,yada,yada.. Of course I'm starting to have a blast!! I egg it on with some more quips! Pandemonium, I'm thinking. Dissension, unrest, revolt, armed rebellion DAMMIT!!!! YEEEHAAWW!

Then the dust in my mind settles a little, and reality sets in. This sort of thing happening in Fascist Book, is one of the many reasons I've stayed away for so long. I don't want to be spied on! I don't want to be categorized or pigeon-holed! I sure as Motherfucking Goddamn Ass-biting Skull-raping Dick-skeezin' DONT WANT ANYBODY TO THINK THAT THEY KNOW BETTER THAN I, WHAT I SHOULD SAY, OR DO,OR DRESS, OR EAT, OR THINK!!! So that's why I generally steer clear of that kind of shit. You don't like what I say? Don't read me. You don't like how I dress? Shut your mouth, turn around and go back to Walmart or 5-7-9, or Old Slavey and shop till your eye's bleed and everyone you look at speaks Chinese, 'cause you helped them buy our country by shopping where you do!!!! 

The other thing... All of you know I'm not very fond of advertising, and that's the thing Fake Book does. It tries to sell you shit you don't need from people you don't know, made by mostly impoverished, malnourished people you probably care even less about, that helps asshole's like the pukes that facilitated  our financial mess WE ARE STILL IN, that don't care not one iota for you or I!! 

So the really sad lesson for me was this site is not truly about friends at all, for them! It's about an angle, a financial angle. How much money can be made off of friendship?? How much would you sell your kids for?? How much would it take you to offer your parents up for a bloodsport?? You think I jest. If I had one wish I'd wish people from a general standpoint would start caring about each other more than monetary gain. That's why I abhor these sorts of things, not necessarily the people who use the service, ignorance is bliss after all. I especially despise companies that now act as our censoring board, even if they wrote the damn program! 

I guess I have to let the friends I've reunited with know how to get in touch with me, and bid a strange farewell to my social network experiment. So, something positive did come of this whole thing I guess... And see, you say Angry can't ever see the positive...

P.S. I never did use that app... Worthless piece of shit.

Holly Hobby, Care Bears, and red Jello and Cool Whip dreams too you all. And Don't the the FB's getcha!

ANGRY BRADY