Sad Dog Needs TO Grow A Pair

Dear Assholes,
Recently at a dinner party, my wife brought up, jokingly, that she would get the family dog if we were to get divorced. I just laughed and let it go. Ever since it’s been bugging me. What should I do to let her know how deep hurt I am by her questioning our relationship and the idea that she would separate me from my best friend.
Signed,
Sad Dog


Sad Dog,


Wow. What a shitty situation to be in. Too bad you let her put you in that situation, you pussy.
You missed your window of opportunity by letting her get away with that statement in the first place. After her statement you should have tossed your fruity cocktail, umbrella and all, in her face and stated “You’ll never tear Fluffy and I apart!” Then stormed out in a huff, stranding her there.
Since it’s too late for that, you may want to take the following advice:
Take your pet over to a buddy’s house and leave it there. Print up about 30 “Lost Dog” flyers plastered with Fluffy’s face and post them up where your wife will see them on her way home. When she gets home, distraught and confused, present her with a list of things YOU will be taking in the divorce. At the top of the list make sure to include the dog with a line drawn through it.
Glad we could help,
The Assholes