Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time

1. Any Christmas song featuring Aaron Neville.
This guys wavy voice drives me crazy. What's worse though?
The mole on his face. I swear, whenever I've seen this guy that thing stares at me and sends psionic messages convincing me to kill.
Nails on a chalk board.

2. Little St. Nick - The Beach Boys
How uncreative do you have to be? Hey guys, let's take one of our old songs and just write Christmas lyrics over them?
You cheap bastards! Plagiarizing your own shit. The only thing close to this is "English Rose" by Elton John. This is the song he wrote for Princess Diana when she died. He took his song "Candle in the Wind" and just changed the lyrics. Come on, Elton! She was your best friend...Jesus.
Anyway, back to the Beach Boys...These fuckers wrote "Kokomo". Burn in hell Brian Wilson!



3. Dominic the Donkey - Lou Monte
Most of you are not aware this song exists. You are blessed. Ignorance is bliss. Look it up.
The only thing that can be worse than this shit would be an Aaron Neville / Yoko Ono / Kanye West collaboration.
Oh yeah, to all you Kanye fans: Fuck him.




4. Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer - Dr. Elmo
OK. This was funny the first time you heard it back in 1980-something. Barely. What really upsets me, honestly, is that this fucker wrote this, recorded and probably made more money than I will make in 20 years working an honest and steady job.
Shit. Fuck you, Dr. Elmo








5. Please, Daddy (Don't get drunk this Christmas) - Alan Jackson
Holy shit. This is a real song. You must hear it. This song doesn't even need colorful text.
The title says it all. I don't mind some country music. I just despise when it is written to the lowest common denominator in society.
I can't wait for his next holiday hit "I saw mommy hitting the crackpipe" or "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth (that I lost to meth)".
Alan Jackson, you're a douche-bag. Further examples of his Christmas diddys: "Santa's Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck" and "Honky Tonk Christmas".


Darth Taco

Heath Ledger - Dead Guys Don't Win Awards

I know this has been blogged to death, but really why the hell does Hollywood feel the need to pat itself on the back with a dead guys hand? What kind of fucked up bunch of assholes award someone who has the world by the ass... or at least could have it by the ass... that kills themselves. Oh wait I know, Hollywood and radical Islam. Yep, I said it. The latter of course promises wealth; fame and virgins once you’ve bought into the whole line of bullshit...actually that could apply to former as well.

Honestly, I think the nomination is Hollywood taking one more opportunity to pretend that they are human and show each other how well they can act like they care. People face it, they don’t give a fuck about Heath Ledger or his kid or his family; they just want all of you to pay attention. It worked with Batman (read Dark Knight for your comic dorks), so it should work with this worthless waste of airtime as well.

Sorry but I don’t have any sympathy for Heath Ledger or anyone that kills themselves. It’s a selfish and shitty thing to do to your family and anyone whoever gave a fuck about your sorry ass. Especially jackoffs in Hollywood; when they have the absolute best life possible. And don’t tell me that fame is difficult and that the tabloids take away their privacy because NO ONE MADE THEM DO IT! It was a fucking choice and one with outrageous over-compensation. Nothing is free assholes and if you don’t like the price, don’t buy the latte!

Maybe we will get lucky and ol’Heath will inspire some other worthless assholes to “end it all”, like... like... well you’ll just have to check out our upcoming list of ASSHOLES THAT NEED TO DIE.

The Chief

The Comparison to the Three Stooges Is Too Easy

This first Celebrity Asshole e-Vite is a group invitation to the CEOs of the GM, Ford and Chrysler. Weareassholes.com invite these three assholes to keep doing what they do best, being out of touch, overpaid, under-endowed, corporate fucktards. Thanks guys, the last few weeks of watching you beg for money you don’t deserve so that you can take your million dollar bonuses and fly home on your private jets to oversee the building of some of the biggest embarrassments to American ingenuity, style and craftsmanship made on this planet in the last 30 years has been very entertaining. I can’t stand most of the congressional leadership, especially that guy with the lips, but it’s really fun seeing them look at you like you have shit on the end of your noses. Great Jobs!

Thanks!

The Chief

Twlight Is Completely Stupid

Ok I haven’t read these books, so before you go all “Twilight is the best book blahblahblah...” I’m talking about the movie.

1. When I pay $8 to see a movie, in a theater, it better never, ever be a shot with a goddamn Flip!
2. Vampires sparkle in sunlight? WTF? No, you stupid pubescent girls, vampires burn up in the sunlight. Everyone knows that!
3. Does the guy playing the pouty, half-a-fag (thanks Artie for that one) vampire have a speech impediment or a s s s s tuddderrr or does he need to go back to Theater Arts I at his high school?
4. I can’t believe it but they found a gayer, paler Tom Cruise to play the dad vampire.
   

Seriously, though this movie flowed like shit and made little to no sense. Were we supposed to just guess that they were in love because all I got was that he was horny and hungry? Speaking of which....